Sunday, March 9, 2008

Ferenheit rising....

Well, im really sorry for being idle for the last 2 to 3 months. i have been very busy as hell and to tell you the truth, i have never imagined mysely where i seriusly, damn seriusly, have no time for myself. Before entering College Mara Banting, our seniors constantly telling us not to take up IB we reasons like bz and stres and etc. etc. We never took them serius, with the thought that they were joking with us. But after doing IB for the past 9 months, it hit me like a speeding train. First sem was ok, assignment were moderate, not much projects, and everythng was ok, thought we were already feeling the heat. And then come second semester, and all hell break loose. It's just unfair to make a generalisation on all IB world schools, but KMB's IB programme will suck the life and sunshine out of u, and this is not a hyperbolic statement. With the CAS class-based project, the exhibitions, the assignments, the lab report, the gropu 4 project, the EE, the CAS project, the CAS report, and much much much more, its no question mark that the students are constantly under pressure. There was this one week, my class just came back from a camp (which we organized and we, ourselve participated). We were deprived of sleep, fatigued, and worn out. Then came our Malay Lit exhibition, and there went our sleep. At the same time, we have lab reports which were due on that very week. And at the same time, we had maths and bio exam on the same week. Lack of sleep, the pressure was taking a toll on each and every one of us. On one night, i was shocked to see my friend, in the middle of the night, was doing his report, and he was crying. His eyes were red of the little sleep he had for 3 days in the row. For me, being the president of the student council adds up a whole new bunch of problems. But i managed to keep my emo intact though at certain times, when i am alone, looking at the picture in front of me on the table, i just cant hold back. One part of me was very grateful that the person in the picture does not have to go through the mental torture i am experiencing, and at the same time, another part of me just wished that i am not here, not on this pathway, not in this field, and i might, just might be, as in the picture with that person. The hopes, the expectations were too overwhelming that u feel as u want to let go of everything and be just... no one. The UK dream, the plans, felt so out of reach.In the surau, i develope the habit of watcing a group of children , who are regulars at the surau, playing around, and i would always wish that i could turn back time to the days when i was like those children; no worries and no responsibilities. It took me a while to overcome the pervasive feeling that was overpowering me, and the only thing that give me that little but too important strength was i have something to prove to someone, and i want to make that person proud of me. At the same time, i felt that i had a bigger purpose in life; to help those people in need, and my responsibility to revive back the ummah. These reasons make the sleepless nights, the fatigues, and the tears a little bit worthwile. Ms Loh once said, the pressure can either break u or make u, and if u manage to 'survive' the 2 year programme, u are destined to be someone great. i hold on to that very dearly. And of course, there were conflicts which needed to be cofronted and taken control of. I lost more friends than i make one, and as i write this entry, i might lose my very source of strength. I don't know. if that happens.... Its not too much if i say that IB is just about being the best, but its all anout surviving the 2 excruciating years. Maybe the dream i once told hanif is materializing in front of me as i speak.

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