Fathul Aizat

Bags

2011-02-16T13:37:00.001-08:00

It's time for me to pack up and move on.

British music industry at its best

Making sense (part 1)

2011-02-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

The Wolfson Institute of Preventive Medicine has always been teeming with life and knowledge. Medical doctors, scientist, bioinformaticians and patients trod its corridors in pursuit of the next ground breaking discovery in treating diseases which plagued mankind for so long. With its sparkling and impressive credentials in cancer research, it's no question that it has been chosen for my SSC on Biology of Cancer, whereby medical students are expected to have a comprehensive understanding on the very disease which ravage the lives of so many people, within 2 weeks, and inspire them to do something better than just treat and cure.

It's a bit freaky when a medical registrar cum research fellow, in all his intellectual and medical glory, lay out upon us the different available pathways in reaching the pinnacle of the medical field; a consultant. But one thing i realised is that those different pathways have one thing in common; it would take a huge chunk of your life, ranging around 9 to 13 years on top of the 5 to 6 years spent in medical schools.

This is one of those talks where regret starts creeping in, whispering doubts in the ears of the people who have chosen this path. That is when you started relishing on the notion that your counterparts who opted for other courses, may it be engineering, law, politics, physics, geology, accounting or others, would have a much rosier experience of learning, rather than being bathed by the light of the study lamp at night till the wee hours of dawn, cramming the British National Formulary into the head, memorizing the details of the human anatomy, working out the different physiological process and putting it into a context so that it would make some sence, and figuring out what went haywire in diseases. Some of my peers in different courses are about to grad this summer, and i will still be at my desk, struggling.

I can't help myself from thinking that my pursuit of medical greatness come with a much higher cost. It seemed the price obtaining a medical degree has to be paid in the currency of my personal life. Much has been sacrificed; my time with my family, my personal relationships with people, the pleasure of reading a novel , where i swapped it with books, labs, prosections, and journals. Once, the vice dean has reiterate this notion during a briefing on my placements where i might be living 9 weeks in a hospital for each module next year, where she said that medical students are not supposed to have personal relationships, 'so break up!'. By hammering on these points, it is reasonable that i would have a fair share of regret in me. It may just be my narrow view of life and the world, or it may be my ignorance towards inspiring stories of men and women of medicine who have already stood on the altar of medical greatness. In times like this, i would tell myself that i am still naive... and my path is still far from the destination i intend to reach.

In times like this, i search for any form of assurance that my cause is just.

p/s : the montage from the HBO mini-series 'The Pacific' which i listen to every morning. It helps me to convince myself me that it is all worthwhile.

what it means to be us

2011-01-27T15:52:00.001-08:00

I would just like to share with you a poem my neuropharmacology lecturer use to capture our hearts and minds to human creativity and the price we pay for it in the form of schizophrenia.

'We are the music makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.'

Arthur O'Shaughnessy

Powerful words, worthy of describing humans and our potentials.

Sit and ponder.

London to Boston

2011-01-05T08:59:00.000-08:00

From London to Boston.

It starts tonight.

The walk along the Thames

2011-01-03T16:40:00.001-08:00

It's been over a month now, and i thought i finally had everything under control. Normality and routines have finally returned, i thought, but i guess i have spoken too soon. My anxiety and curiosity have led me to the discovery of a sudden turn of events on the internet, which has only led me to a spiraling, bottomless and depressing abyss. It haunted me through day and night, especially when i am in solitude, confining me to a state of non-functional. The undesirable image of them in a display of affection crept even in my sleep and in my dreams, only to be awaken in the night and not being able to get a good night rest. So, i did what i usually do when i have things bothering me; do my work, but to no avail. I was not able to register the words on the paper; my eyes were on the articles, but my mind was in a place where i wish not to be. I had to do something. Then i remembered the famous words in Forrest Gump; Run Forrest, Run.

I would love to run, but jogging at night in the cold winter would not be a good idea. Lap swimming sounds nice, but i didn't think there were pools open late at night. So walking would be the best thing to do. I took the tube to Bank, and made my way to Leicester Square, hopefully i can let my mind and body lost among theater enthusiasts and tourists in London's West End. I grabbed myself a coffee, head south bound towards the river Thames, hopefully i would arrive at Westminster, where i would take the long walk of shame to Whitechapel along the Thames path in the veils of London's night.

Central London late at night is a very pleasant place to be. There is a side of London at that hour of the day where only the daring could experience. The Victorian lamp posts which illuminates the Thames river path radiates a romantic feeling, with the backgrounds of London's iconic monuments across the south bank entertaining the very pedestrians who bravely trod this path at that hour; a perfect atmosphere for me to dwell in my feelings and to find solace. If i were to be mugged, i have nothing to lose; if they wish to take my blackberry, they can take away all the remnant of my distant past when all seemed to fall into place. If they wish to take my wallet, they can take away the notes which hold testament to the joyful memories i once had in it. If they wish to take my life, i would put up a fight.

It's amazing how your mind and emotion can dictate your body into walking almost 5 hours in the late,cold night. My mind was occupied with the bits and bobs of my discontentment, that i did not register my body's state of fatigue. It was a pleasant walk, except the incident where i was grabbed, hugged, and kissed by a lady with a bottle of Brandy in her hand and she asked to bring her home ( which i politely decline, of course).

The quality time i had through out the night has helped me to do a lot of soul searching. It has made me realise that love is not about being selfish, but being selfless; being able to put my self interest aside for the best interest of the individual involved. Sacrifice is not just about giving up stuffs; it's about being able to let go something or someone so important, and be contended and be able to be happy for other's happiness. Everyone has their bitter share of the cake once in a while, and what's important is how you respond to it. At first, i have doubts of how i would make it out of the day, with a lot of crap on my back. But i came to realise that the problem lies not with the girl across the Pond, nor the bloke who stirs my worst imagination; it has been me all this while. No one would like to change routines, but i have arrived at the point that changes have to be made, and my dedication and commitment must be channeled to a place where i am most needed. Some people equates moving on as finding replacements, but i'll prescribe myself to a higher cause. All of this i concluded within the 5 hours i walked, from Leicester Square, to Westminster, and back to Whitechapel.

The next morning, i still had a couple of things in my head. So i walked again, now somewhere closer, and had coffee at Aldgate. As i returned to my flat, the nice old lady next door was cleaning up the corridor in front of her flat, and she is just a sweetheart. She complained about her backaches and how terrible it was, and she asked me a question which made you wonder whether it is pure coincidence or she can read minds. 'Do you a have special girl?'. 'I wish i had' i replied. 'Oohh, poor lad. A man like you shouldn't be alone. Don't worry, you'll find one soon'. Hmmm.... i wonder:)

And something i would like to share which made it all more bearable,

Boxing day and the truth it brings

2010-12-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

26/12. Boxing day. An annual pilgrimage of keen shoppers all over to the high streets in the chase of tempting bargains, massive discounts and reductions which only appear on this very day. They came in masses, flooding the roads like a sea of men sipping into every space of the stores. This is the day when friends from near and far would assemble in London for the thrill of the 'hunt'. I have to admit that shopping is not an activity i consider as my cup of tea. Instead, i am more interested in something more priceless and valuable that they have to offer; information and the truth.

I have to admit that i can easily give in to shallow words and shallower promises. At times, i have only see the best in people, especially those who are markedly significant and prominent, that you put so much trust in them. I end up being oblivious to the red flags which warns me of the sinister back-stabbing plots which yet to follow. They masked themselves in the veils of innocence and kindness, hiding conspiracies and scandals which has only left me in shambles. Times are difficult. Though dissapointment has only elevated my concentration to focus on my studies, accepting the dismal conclusions was like swallowing a bitter pill, and it only makes me more thirsty for the truth. With friends coming from all over, i have the chance to reopen my past and start arranging the missing pieces.

I am not here to condemn any parties or individuals, and the details of my conversations i refuse to disclose, but i am writing just to point out my own weaknesses which has lead only to my own turmoil. I realised that i am naive and gullible, easily being fooled by empty talks and shallow promises. I must not let my guard down, and be more cunning next time. I also noticed that i have compromised a lot of my values for a mirage of pleasure and enchantment. I let emotion besieged rationality, altering my reality to her mold. For years, i have accommodated myself to the wants and demands of others,but in my absence, deceit and betrayal became my only reward.

Most importantly, i realised that i am weak. Once i fell, i had to crawl, walk, and by then, can i only run back again. But the truth i got, though hurtful, has brought me back to reality, as quoted by Jim Davis 'The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable'.

Just would like to share an excerpt from Greys:

'The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.'

Some art pieces from Malaga i would like to share :

by Juliao Sarmeto, 2000-2010. Taken from MALAGA CONTEMPORARY ART CENTRE

A fling with the military

2010-12-26T02:31:00.001-08:00

I remembered when i was 13, i fancy being in the military, and i always fantasised myself being in army uniform, serving at the front lines as a medic. I run towards the battle-scorned field without hesitation against the current of civilians running away, in the shower of bullets, attending a wounded soldier; a true angel in the midst of the battlefield. Therefore, i found the Royal Military College in Sungai Besi as my first stepping stone to turn my day dreams into something more tangible. But judging from my not-so-tall physique, i have to contend to the idea that the military is not made for a 'petite' guy like me. So, my fling with the military slowly laid to rest in time.

Until now.

I had been eying a book for a quite some time, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins and thankfully, i had the whole 2 weeks of my winter break in Spain to finish the book together with Amartya Sen's Development as Freedom, away from the hassles and packed schedule of my medical studies ( though i have tonnes of research paper to go through). All of the sudden, my long-forgotten dreams of being in service is raised from the dead, incarnated in a whole new form, utilising tools which i believe are more effective and systematic than the use of force and violence; developmental economics. Given my full time commitment in the medical field, i acknowledged that i am in no position of critiquing the the current state of the economy or suggesting economic models that could release millions of people from the shackles of poverty and famine. I am also well-informed that my inadequate knowledge of politics would not put my opinions of governance in a place where it will be valued.

But what i can say is this. i realised that most of us who are privileged enough to obtain a decent university education are not just bounded by the responsibility which are set on the piece of paper after completing our degrees, but it goes far and beyond that. Being pragmatist (maybe a bit of realist as well), i believe that our ignorance towards the issues around the world has led to further deterioration of what now can be classified as humanity crisis. It came to me that my list of duties and responsibilities also includes towards humanity and community, especially after i opted myself in medicine, and i realised that the least i can do to fulfill this call of duty is to be aware of what's going on in the world and the struggles of millions who are in dire need. I had a conversation once with Ammar Roslizar, and he instilled the idea in me that in this era, human science will prevail as a driving force of civilizations and whoever could master this realm of knowledge, he or she will become the masters of the world. This notion enticed me further to spur my understanding of development, governance and economy.

So, i might opted to go into the army, after my conversation with Saffa about the excitement of being in the military, maybe travel around the world to see and meet more people and to have a larger perspective of the world, or i can march myself towards the front lines, with governance and economy as my preparation, medicine as my uniform, values and principles as my compass, my voice and actions as weapons. Or God-forbid, i might not do anything.

Of sleepless nights 2

2010-12-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

Whose very existence is sustained by superficial recognition and attention; fueled only by hauteur,

I rise above and beyond.

And i am capable of better.

-anonymous-

Of sleepless night 1

2010-11-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

I noticed recently that i showed signs of pseudo-imsonia, where my efforts of shutting my eyes to a good night sleep seem so futile. Rather than wasting my time counting sheeps, i feel my nocturnal active state of mind is best to be put to good use by brushing off the dust of my blog i left for more than a year, and hopefully, i can dozed myself to sleep with all the boring stuff i post on it.

My second year promises me a whole lot more clinical, with more patients and more real-life health conditions. Most medical students has this sexy fantasy of patients coming to them with a constellation of symptoms, and using their medical wisdom, they would trace them back to their diagnosis. Sounds something out of House, but in reality, it is not as exciting as it is on the tele. I thought that it would be dry; student gets patient's history, student figures out the diagnosis and treatment, student presents findings to the consultant, student gets his/her butt kick for giving the wrong diagnosis. Very typical. However, my recent sessions at the hospital and consultations have given me something more than what i bargained for.

Consultations room are windows to humanity at its darkest and finest hours. It is the very place where doctors would break the very bad news that would turn the patient's life upside down. At the same time, in that very same room, i watched courage prevails in the chaos of struggle and devastation. Their conditions are more serious than a mere fever and winter cold; these are conditions that shackle them to a life-long regime of drugs that they have to take in dozens a day. It's not easy to accept the fact that an expiration date has been put on you, and you see death lurking in every dark corners. But despite it all, they have shown great determination and courage to stay alive. Science can only do so much, but what really brings them through the ordeal are the very same thing you find in the eyes of a child in a refugee camp and in the tears of a single mother who raise her children all by herself; strength, courage and hope. It is at times of struggle, that men returns to their most admirable traits and qualities, which forever resonates into the lives of many, becoming a source of inspiration to those who seek or suffer.

And for every second i spend on this path, i am truly grateful.

Stand up agains poverty

2009-10-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

STAND WITH US - REGISTER NOW!

On October 16, 17 and 18th, millions of people around the world will "Stand Up and Take Action" against poverty and for the Millennium Development Goals. The mobilization will send a clear message to world leaders that we refuse to be silent in the face of ongoing poverty and inequality. Stand Up & Take Action, coordinated by the UN Millennium Campaign and the Global Call to Action Against Poverty (GCAP), is a global event in which citizens urge their leaders to keep their promises to achieve the Millennium Development Goals.
We heard from organizers around the world about the many Stand Up events planned. These events include concerts, silent vigils, tree plantings, campus rallies and many more creative event ideas. Last year 116 million people participated, breaking the Guinness World Record for the largest mobilization around a single-cause event in recorded history.

Yellow and brown folders

2009-09-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

I was somehow awaken from my sleep by an unrully and unexpected phonecall around 11 am. It was my mother at school, asking me to head straight to the school. It sounded urgent, but i was quite dubious of her summoning me early in the morning while she was at her workplace. Being my mom, i know far too well of her schemes. I took a short shower, and i was on my way to MRSM Kuantan.

My mom was waiting for me with that cheeky smile of her, signalling that i have a task waiting for me somewhere in the school. She brought me to a room where piles and piles of yellow and brown folder lie stacked on the floor. I know that what i was about ot do will involve me mendling with all those folders. They were folders of student's information, going back all the way to 2005. My mother's friend briefed me on the task in hand; i was to key in certain information of students into spreadsheets to be sent to MARA HQ. Being raised by MARA all my life, a little typing and keying in is the list i can do. Sounds easy, but the folders do not just contain names and personal details about them, but they hid a sorrow chorus of grimness which the families of these students had to endure in the secluded areas around Malaysia they call home.

One of the folder tells about a student who came from a family of 15 siblings. What shattered me was the fact that the only breadwinner in the family was a just a single mother, who worked as a Felda settler with a monthly income of just RM600. I just could not comprehend the idea of a single mother could feed such a huge family. My family spend at least RM 250 for groceries every fortnight, and my family is only 6 people big. Instead this is a woman who brought up 15 children with an RM 600 paycheck. My attempt to imagined the situation and the standard of living that they had to go through was beyond comprehend, emotionally and logically.

Another was about a student whose father was a pensioner who relies on RM 400 a month to raise a family of 7. One could not help to ponder what kind of life do they lead, what kind of shelter do they live in, what kind of food do they consume... questions that stabed and ached my heart.

These are a few of the many stories of families who had to endure such tribulations and hardships. After all this while, i though stories like theirs are only plots in soap dramas on the television. But these are true life accounts, real-life conditions which these families had to endure, but sadly go unnotice. I was fortunate enough to be born in a family which is able to provide more than my essentials. How would they have survived with that small amount of money in this very hard times.

How can i eat with ease when they are people out there who can't afford a decent meal and their staple food are just tubers and rice donated to them?

How can i wear the many clothes i have when there are people out there whose clothes are all torn and worn out by time and dirt?

How can i enjoy the comfort of my home when there are families who had to call a crammed one-room hut as their home?

It just kills me.......

Tarawikh

2009-09-02T10:26:00.001-07:00

Scrumptous, spicy, negeri sembilan food served with sugary desserts have always greeted my family on my mother's side at least once every Ramadhan. It has been a tradition for us to have this family-get-togethe-cum-iftar where most of my family members will assemble at my Mak Teh's house to break fast and have Tarawikh together. It's kind the once-every-year thingy, like raya where the whole family will convene in a fiesta of gastronomical festicvities. It was supposed to be those normal gathering that we had every year, but somehow, it turned out to be one which has surely left a huge mark not just in my 20 years of life, but it would be my realization to a turning point which starts to unravel in the coming days of my life.

My family was somehow appointed to 'foresee' the planning and the invitation of the event, though it was held in Damansara. Pak Lang and Pak Ngah, with their pious exterior and interior, have always been asked to lead thefamily's tarawikh. Unfortunately, my Pak Lang was in Mecca performing his umrah. My mom thought it would be nice if the 3rd generation would take the lead as the imam. So, she chosed me. I don't have any problem with it all, though my Ayat Lazim and Baqarah needed some brushing up to do. No piggy for me at all.

That night, i took lead of the congregation, reciting what's left of the memorized Al-Baqarah inside my head. I've done it a couple of times, so it was something that send shiver down my spines. A few glitches here and there, but alhamdullillah, everything went well and we completed the 8 rakaat of tarawikh and 3 rakaats of witir. It's those normal solat jemaah, and nothing fancy bout it. However, as the male line dissolved, what i saw completely shocked me. One of my aunties was emotionally crying, and i could see pools of tears formed in the water-glistened eyes if my grandma and my aunties. Was i that bad? i thought. Somehow, grandma extended her hands, waving it at me, asking me to appraoch her. She opened her arms and i could feel the warmth of a grandmother's love towards her grandson as she hugged me thighly. I could feel warm-tears slowly flowed down my neck, and she said to me "Inilah hadiah terbaik yang wan boleh dapat". One of my aunty held my hand and she hoped that this must not stop here. A wavering surge of my family's hope and aspiration gushed into the the my very veins, and from there, it came to me.

I have always thought that the only way i could prove myself worthy of my family's love is through worldly, tangible achievements. This axiom has fueled my never-ending thirst for victories, accomplishments, and glory. A tradition of excellence has slowly and gradually established in the pressure of proving myself to my family. But after that night, after i felt the comforting warmth of my grandma's hugs, the family's hope and aspiration from my aunties, i realized that what i have achieved after all this while came second. From what i see, what matters the most to them is to see the generation under them, and the coming generations, could sustain themselves not just physically, but spiritually as well. They want us to be righteous in mind and heart, where actions and decisions are made based on values engraved in the pages of the Quran and Sunnah. They know, without a shadow of doubt, that we are capable of gathering wealth and richess of the world, but it won't mean a cent if we are poor in heart and love. And i believe the same idea is shared by other families as well.

I am no cleric, and i have made a few mistakes of my own, but life is all about growing and learning, and indeed i have learned something new today.

An RM 29.90 pants

2009-08-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

17 boys from MaBIQ, the local tahfiz school, ranging from the age of 6 to 16, greeted us as we stepped into Kamdar. The awe and excitement was apparent on their faces. My dad’s company was generous enough to donate RM 150 each for them to buy new Baju Melayu and clothes for them to celebrate on Hari Raya with their family, and my mother add in another 1000 to make their shopping trip a day to remember. These boys are from impoverished areas around Kuantan, who are not able to get a decent education as they can’t afford to get one. Some of them came all the way from Perak, though the question of how they end up in Kuantan I am not sure of the answer. At the school, their curriculum is Islamic oriented, where they emphasized a lot on memorizing the Quran and the Syariah.

It really caught my attention to see how the hopped from one section of the place to another. From their action, it is quite clear that they are quite hesitant of spending a ‘huge’ amount of money on clothes which they deemed are very ‘fancy’ and ‘posh’. Bear in mind that this is Kamdar where the baju melayu over there just cost around RM 20 to 90.

I got to assist a 16 year-old boy named Suhaimi on his ‘shopping spree’. I observed him as he hovered from one pants to another, flipping them from side to side, but after an hour over there, he didn’t come to a conclusion of what pants to buy. I convinced him into choosing any pants that he likes, and insisted him of not looking at the price tags. He slowly approached a cream-coloured slack pants and he showed it to me. For someone who is much inclined to quality, I examined the pants, and it is not something that I would wear. I took a look at the price tag and it was just RM29.90. He noticed that I was looking at the price tag and he suddenly apologized. “Mahal sangat ke bang? Saya tak pernah beli seluar harga camni”. I was taken aback and drowned in sympathy. Here was a boy who was reluctant to buy a RM29.90 pants because he thinks it is too expensive, and I was wearing an RM150 jeans.

The time I spent with these boys made me realize that they are familiar and aware of the opportunities available beyond the four walls of their school. A boy asked me about the school I am currently studying. I told them about the uni I’ll be attending. Their response were quite alien to me , and it came in the form of question directed to me with neutrality and confusion. “mane dapat duit tuk belajar abang?” Money was the first thing that came into their mind. My secondary and higher education fees have always been paid by MARA. But in their world, education was one of many areas that they believe that they can’t afford to enjoy. I talked about scholarships to them, but word does not register in their heads because they never heard of “scholarship”. To them, education is limited to those who are wealthy and the world is not made for them. However as I share my experience in Kuala Klawang and Langkawi during my MRSM days, they seemed so eager and it shows how interested of them in the idea of education and the perks it has to offer.

There are a lot of things in life, especially the small ones, we often take for granted; from the fancy clothes we wear on our body, to the mouth-watering delicacies that we enjoy on the dining table at least 3 times a day, to the warmth and comfort in the place we call home. To most of us, we are born with a silver spoon in our mouth, and we can get whatever we want simply on demand. But to the families of these boys, everyday is a battle just to meet ends meet. They are just some out of countless families who share the same fate as theirs. A single mother who rely on RM 100 a month from the welfare department to feed her 5 hungry children, a father who work odd jobs to make sure the bills are paid and his children get books to study. Listen to their story.

Family is where my home is

2009-08-26T03:51:00.001-07:00

It is another 1 month till I board the MH2 MAS flight to London, leaving Malaysia, and continuing the next 5 years of my life on British soil. My dreams of reading medicine in the UK and having a nice shiny stethoscope around my neck has come to a near. I have waited this moment since I was 5, but as it comes closer, I felt this kind of solitude and displeasure suddenly arise out of the excitement of a UK education in London. I soon realized that I am not 100% ready to embark on this journey yet. Physically, I am built for it, but emotionally, my heart is still with my family here in Malaysia.

I chose MRSM Langkawi as my upper-secondary school of choice so that I can be far away from my family as possible. I also voiced out my intention to my friends of going out on this once-in-a-lifetime journey, with time and distance separating us. How bold and naïve I was back then. But once I got into my college years, that is when I found the value of family.

Now, as I count the days where I have to depart from them, I feel this awful kind of sadness gripping me slowly but surely. Maybe it’s true when they say, distance makes the heart grows fonder. I’ll be celebrating Raya in London this year, away from the warmth and festivities of my home in Kuantan. Trully, in every man, there is a child, regardless of how far he traverse, his heart will find his way back home. For me, inshallah, I’ll be coming back into my family’s arms one day. Family is where my home is.

A decison a Pakistani man has to make...

2009-07-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

At times, people will have to make very tough decisions, but it can never be compared to the decision that Mohammed Iqbal from an improvished region in Pakistan had to make; to sell his kidney or his children, for a sad 1500 dollars? http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/07/16/pakistan.organ.selling/index.html

He had to face this tribulation after being drowned in debt with his lanlord, who he borrowed money with, just to pay for the medical bills for his family and his wedding. I personally feel that no one should have to endure making difficult, inhumane decisions just to make sure there's a roof above his or her family, or to get a decent healthcare. I wondered on what grounds he made the decision and i seriously cant imagine myself being in his torn shoes. There are laws banning the selling of organs in Pakistan, but the enforcement department seems to be the most important yet missing piece in this huge, tanggled, sad puzzle. Toblame demand would be very inmature, as everyday people fall sick and in dire need of organ transplant. But my heart goes out to millions of people like Mohammed Iqbal, poverty stricken who had to make such decision. To me, one thing for sure, it all leads down to a more bigger and serious picture which has been the attention of nations, but with little effective action; poverty and famine. The so-called "rich-nations" have pledged billions and billions of dollars and euros and yens in aids to third world countries like Africa and Pakistan, still they have only reached a fraction of their total goal. Its and irony that wealthy nations have invested so much of their God-given resources in wars on the pretext of "spreading peace and democracy" when they have other alternatives which involve less killing and more humanity. The economic downfall was the number one excuse given by these nation's leaders which cause them to lag from their 25 billion dollars target by 2010 to africa. Well, US can still invest 651.2 billion dollars in defence, Sivio Berlusconi of Italy can still manipulate the state media to cover up its promiscuous activities with teenage girls, so why not they take out a very small share of their GDP to make the world a more sustainable and better place to live in. It's not whether they are able to, it's a question whether they want to give it or not. The battle that they have to concentate on is not just in the rouge lands of the SWAT valley or the Helmand Valley, as the biggest war of all takes place in the hearts and minds of the citizens of the world.

And if you are still wondering what Mohammed Iqbal chosed, he did what any responsible would do; sell his kidney.

Scribbling after the 6th of July

2009-07-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

What a relief... The IB results have arrieved, and it brought along a cocktail of bad and good news to the students of KMB. Some were completely gratified and thrilled to get the results that they hope for, and it had the sense that their two years of pain-stacking, gruelling IB has bear its fruits. But there were also those who are unfortunate, but i believe that they have worked as hard, if not, harder, than those who were successfull. it's just luck wasn't there to give that laverage. I believe that their future will be more vibrant than most of us, and i wish and pray them the best. Don't give up.

My results came unexpectedly. In the weeks leading to the 6th of July, i had totally deregistered the IB exams from my memory. I was so entanggled by my new hobby; travelling and music, that i have totally forgotten that the annoucement of the results has came to a near.

I didn't expected much. My forecast were ambition-lacked; a 6 in Maths maybe. 2 marks bonus marks... oklah. I also felt that econs would be around a 6. When that day arrived, i felt a sudden gush of anxiety travelling from the feet upwards, and it hovered around the chest, activating the sweat and adrenaline glands, which in turn caused me to severely perspire. I knew, in my mind, that the results are already out at school, but i wasn't sure whether to end the wait immediately by asking the teachers, or should i wait until 9.15 pm, when the IBO will upload our results on the net. It could not be contained, so i messaged someone, asking if the results are out. It has. OMFG! Then i got a phone call. I know it was about my result. i picked it up, and the person from the end of the line further exacerbated my anxiety attack, asking me whether if i would like to know my IB points? Yes, obviously.

I would never forget that moment when she uttered the digits of my pointer. My reaction depicted the time when Federer clinched his 15th Wimbledon title against Andy Roddick, and i kneeled and prostrated the presence of Allah as a sign of deep gratitude to Him for giving me the results that I didn't expected much. I just could not contain the tears that came trailing down my eyes; a great relief after what i have endured in KMB. It was sheer joy, and it lasted just for 17 minutes.

Reality came slapping on my face, and made me realize that what i got wasn't the destination, but a mere pitstop of my rally to the greater cause and objective that i have decided to bind myself to. After a day, it felt good, but noticably it was diminishing, and by the 2nd day, it felt nothing. And i just hope, in the long run, it won't turn into a curse, as what happened to me before.

Nevertheless, i felt grateful for the outcome i received. I dedicate this to my parents and family for their endless support, love and care. And if not for my dedicated teachers who put so much energy, time and faith in me, i would never come close to what i have now. And of course, my friends and my batch, who stood together through thick and thin, teaching me the ups and downs of life. Regardless of who you are, who came to know me, in some ways, you have lead me to my present and future, and prevent me from resenting myself on the past. I was a nobody, and all of you make me a somebody. I am trully in debt.

Now i could breath for a while, before i continue writing my next chapter my life.

MFA.pptx

2009-07-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

I was lost not knowing how to kill the time i had in this very long break after my exams. So, my dad, seeing me sleeping and gaining pounds, asked me to give a talk on IB to the form 5 students in MRSM Kuantan for their Career Week program. He also had to present something on career in medicine. I didn't prepare much, just equipped myself with a couple of powerpoint slides and 2 years of experience. Thinking that having 2 separate files will take too much time that would rot the students to death, I suggested to my that is better to combine nthe slides into one. Good idea, he said. As I was transferring my presentation to his laptop, there was a file which caught my attention. It was a powerpoint presentation; "MFA.pptx". My initials. What was it about? Curiousity arose but i just pushed it aside. Its nothing i guess, might be some slides for his some other talk.

When i was in the small classroom, where he gave the talk in front of around 50 students whose passions are running high for medicine, i can't help myself from observing his 'tango', moving left to right, and left back again, a

s he pour his almost 30 years' of experience to them, and i realized how this man and me are 2 worlds apart. Apart from the minor resemblence from the neck above, i have to admit we have very little in common. I'm "not that tall", he's average sized. Me, chubby. My dad, skinny as a stick. He is a man of few words, while I'm the mean talking machine. It's funy how i end u

p being blood-related to him.

He took around 45 minutes before he gave the floor to me. Before i "bored" them, my dad opened the file which i was so curious the night before. The slides was about me, my biography, my life's journey and my almost all my life's experience. Every newspaper excerpts, pictures, awards, and articles about me and my firsts was on his slides, which "oohed" and "ahhed" the crowd, leaving them in amazement. There was this great pride on his face that was brightly radiated from his face; a father's pride for his son. I thought I had impressed him so little with all i had achieved, and at the same time i never e

xpected levish rewards from my parents as i did it for myself and for personal reasons. But in fact, from the fluctuations of his tones, from the thick atmosphere of amazement, I realized that he was always proud of me, and in his eyes, i saw a father's love to his son. My initial instic

t was to give this 49 year old man a nice father-son hug, but it would only turned up as a soap opera with the students as its audiense. So i just contained my overwheling love towards my dad. And i know he loves me in his own way.

This is the man who, every 6.45 am, would wake up, and sweep the floors. This is the dad who prefers to repair the pipes and wiring in the house despite the professional help available around him. This is the man who iron his own clothes

because he prefers it that way ( and not becau

se my mom's a lazy queen control). Not all man are like him, but i am proud to be his son. This is the man who's my mentor, my idol, my best friend. He is Kamarizan, My Dad.

I love you, Papa.

Mind your own business, Republican strategist guy!

2009-06-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

When i turned on my Pocketwit on my pocket pc, a thread of news on the iranian post-election fall out has been pouring in by CNN, as if the world stood still and there were no other story to be covered. I turned on the tele and channeled in to CNN to see what all the commotion is all about. On the screen was this Republican strategy analyst who was blasting President Obama for not taking a more "aggrasive stand" on this issue, and suggested that its allies are demanding for more action from the president. I was just compelled and disgusted by his remarks and suggestions of wanting America and the UN to impose economic sanctions on Iran, which clearly has failed to meet its purpose of pressuring Iran in the past. If he was trully an "analyst", he must know better that Iran has survived, in fact thrived from one sacntions to another. But the most important is that he must acknowledged that Iran is a sovereign country, and no country can budged its nose into its internal affair. Let them resolve their own problems. From my stand point, i see him as an opportunist neo-con who sees the current development in Iran as a chance for them to continue with their imperialist agenda. Some might say that the situation will detiorate even more if they don't intervene, justifying by the increase number of suicide bombers and the the ever-growing threat of a civil war brewing in Iraq as the dateline of US troops withdrawal came closer. To me, all these violence has been initated by the US themselves, who invaded Iraq on the pretext of "spreading democracy and liberating the people of Iraq". No doubt that Saddam Hussein was not popular among its people and seen as a dictator, but at least its people has seen better development and prosperity relative to the suffering which is on the surge present. Now, the president is withdrawing his troops, leaving Iraq in a very dire state. I'm not insisting US troops to remain in the country, but it is my hope that they have laid down a more proper, extensive, and systematic plan to empower the government and cultivate unity among its people, cleaning up the mess that they have started, as done by the British to its colonies, so that the country is left peaceful. Well, who am i to mend this broken world. I am a mere citizen of the world, just wanting to see the world a more peaceful place to leave in (if that is still possible). And I believe it is.

Lost..

2008-12-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

Alast, i am now able to blog with an emotional soundness i needed after months of literally struggling and wrangling with my EEs, IAs, uni application, and exams. Actually, i am currently sranded in LCCT while i'm keying in this post, and i'm writting just to kill the 12 hours of waiting for my flight back home to Kuantan. Thinking that i might not be able to get here in time if i start moving in the morning, i've decided on spending the night here, and indulge myself with hours of total borringness and emptiness. Well, at least they have internet connection and power points that i can plug onto to keep myslef cyberly occupied....

Thank you

2008-09-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate and applaud those who have spent their time in reading what I assume as my down-to-earth entries, may it be heart-warming praises or harsh criticism. As a matter of fact, I’m looking forward to those who could give me different ideas than mine, in which I could reflect on an issue in different point of views.

As a response to comments by an anonymous reader, I must say that I respect the person’s opinions and realism. I would say that our upbringings and environments have moulded us in different casts and shapes. One being a pragmatist, and another being an idealist. I have to say that there is a thin fine line that separates idealistic values and reality. And to some, they would take a very pessimistic view on issues which involve collective interest. I believe that the world is in its current sinister and ill state due to the fact that its residents have given up on the values that make us human, and one which I feel constantly being eroded is faith. I truly understand that we need to take a realistic approach on solving issues, but it takes believing in kick-starting this momentous effort. If we do not open up to new ideas and opinions, and instead taking up old-school stand with the excuse of being ‘realistic’, creativity and change which we are in dire need of, will seize to exist. Every change starts with believing ( and I’m not implying day dreaming).

And of course, unity might not be the be-all solution, but at least it is a start rather than whining and ‘silently criticizing’ at mamak stalls and see our nation crumbles!! ;) But thanks for your comments. I love them!!!

Wake up and smell the coffee

2008-08-18T08:06:00.001-07:00

With the provision of News Straits Times in the college which kicked off recently, I developed a keen and deep interest in reading columns written and the issues they brought into the public. A recent column titled “Hands off pressmen” in NST has brought into attention on how a local and foreign journalist were battered and assaulted by a group of political party supporters that it has invoked outrage in the journalist community. And to my dismal and humiliation, it was the faces of my fellow Malays who were evident on those pictures assaulting the media.
The song Warisan which my friends and I usually sing during morning assemblies in my secondary school still echo in my heart, and I am deeply in gratitude to the song as it has developed my love and pride in the race that I am born in. The ballet will usually end with the line “Melayukan gagah di nusantara”, and this chant has never failed in reminding me the ongoing fight, effort and battle in uplifting the name of the Malays. Those were the days, but after leaving MRSM Langkawi and venturing into the real world, I realized the social and moral degradation of my brothers and sisters have been seriously severe, with a lot of the youths find pleasure in illegal racing, illicit drug usage, and the common threat among the Malays; malaise. Somehow, it came to a point that the problem is deeply rooted in today’s Malay generation, that it became a norm to relate all negative values that you can imagine to the Malays; and I almost lose hope in my own people.
Let’s not talk about cliché s like Malays constitute the highest percentage of drug addicts detected and roaming the city streets as Mat Rempits. One phenomenon that went unnoticed after the general election but may inflict devastating consequences to the survivability of the Malays is that we are actually divided to different poles of political think tanks and ideologies. The introduction of prominent figures like Pak Lah, Anwar Ibrahim, Najib, each with their own issues and scandals has compelled the Malays to take sides, and we have done it in the expense of our unity. These are the people who supposed to be the champions of the race, but end up being the agent of our downfall. It has reached a point where the exchanges of vulgar slurs and hand expressions have happened within our people. Wake up and smell the coffee. We called ourselves Muslims, but our actions, attitudes and akhlaq do not potray the values and the teachings of the religion that we embraced so dearly. Where is the respect, tolerance and the unity we are brought up with? The barbaric and uncivilized acts that out brothers have done during the nomination day in Permatang Pau have been a disgrace not to the already smeared name of the Malays, but to the good name Islam as well.
This might sound radical, but I believe it is time for a Malay Cultural Revolution; a rise of a new breed of Neo Malays. I foresee Malays who will be up to par with people of developed nations, Malays who are up for the challenges of today’s open global economy, Malays who are proactive and able to make a difference, Malays who uphold integrity and does not easily succumb to bribery and corruption, Malays who are able to stand on their own 2 feet, Malays who are willing to step outside from their comfort zone and face the all the tribulations that the today’s world have to offer. Our parents have their own share of blood and sweat in pushing the Malays forward, and now the responsibility is handed down to us to uphold the aspiration. We as the new generation of youths have been bestowed with an awesome and grueling mission of reviving back our Golden Era. Do not let personal interest of politicians and parties tear us into pieces and drag us into our own downfall. Forget about Pak Lah, forget about Najib, forget about Anwar; let us focus on our greater cause. It’s ok if we have differences in opinions and believes, but never let those differences get in between us. The prophet once said that differences and arguments in views are blessings in the ummah, but they must not split us.
We are at our crucial cross roads; either we could choose to sit and see our race fall, or be a part of a progressive movement in reviving back the glory of the Malays. A new chapter of the Sejarah Melayu is unfolding, let us make our mark in it!!!

Terrorist or freedom fighter?

2008-07-05T06:50:00.001-07:00

Feeling so worn out after maths tutorial, I decided to go for an evening jog and coincidentally, a friend (the name is disclosed) was also on the track. But with a sudden buttock ache straining my hamstring, the evening turned into just a stroll around the college. There were so many things that we talked about, and somehow end up with the issues of hypocrites. You see, it’s hard to believe but in reality, KMB has produced a lot of thinkers and professionals who put Islam as their core in their decisions and actions. In a way its good, but Ali was dissatisfied with a group of girls, who “dressed and talked with high religious values” but there are certain times, where they don’t really portray their beliefs and what they spoke of, to a point that they labeled them as extremist. Knowing that he is brought up in a more secular community and family, I understand that it would be difficult to accept a group of individuals who seemed to be the opposite of him. It is actually a battle between two values and ideas; in one corner is a KL guy who socializes a lot and the other corner is an usrah-attending girls who speak of Islam in almost everything.
In a way, I do feel that I am in the same camp as him, having brought up with a different and unconventional view of life by my parents. But in a way, I disagree with him on the point that he labeled the girls as an extremist. To me, there is no such thing as an ‘Islamic Extremism” and somehow the Law of Excluded Middle implies in this matter.(TOK). It is a distinct choice; Islam or not Islam. My dad once told me that there will be an array of views in an issue and confusion might set in. In this situation, my dad said, just go back to basics; the Quran and Sunah. At the same time, we also need to put into consideration the environment that we all are brought up in. Each and every one of us have different views of Islam, and I can’t comment much as there is still a lot for me to learn about it. To the girls, they might see Islam as they see it, and I see it in a different way. Nevertheless, the underlying fundamental concept is still the same; we believe in the same One God who created the heavens and the earth and all its pillars which universally unites us under the one Deen. I feel that everyone has a right to have an opinion, and at the same time they also have the right to inform and explain to people what they believe with grace and wisdom. If this two are embraced and practiced, I am sure that we will be more exposed to different views and opinions which could advocate a more mature thinking and decisions. It might seemed individualistic, but the way I see it, everyone has the right to do anything that they want to do, and he or she is entitled to his or her actions, but we have to inform and address them on the things which we believe is right, hopefully it could help in the search of truth. Well, one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. So the question is which one is the truth?

3rd sem

2008-07-05T03:39:00.000-07:00

Semester 3 in Banting is well known among its students as a period of emotional roller coaster, mind blowing stress, and killer datelines. And now I am in the hot seat, and I’ve been receiving a lot of poundings lately. It is internationally recognized and acknowledged that IB has a reputation of killer stress and pressure, and now I’m experiencing first hand. Now I know how it felt having tutorials, assignment, IA’s EE’s, IELTS, and so many things happening at the same time. Thank God i have only the At the same time, we also have responsibilities that we need to uphold, having dedicated ourselves to a life of duty and service. I must admit that the stress and strain has really catching up on me, and I’m really losing my zest, fast. I don’t know. I can’t say I’m suicidal, but desperate times called for fast, relieving, desperate measures. Well, I don’t think listing down all the hardcore, hazardous, possibilities would be appropriate, but they all are like internet pop-ups. But don’t worry, I still have enough rationality to prevent me from cutting my wrist.
But despite it all, I am blessed to have amazing friends and teachers around me. I met Ms Aqyn one day to settle some UN model thing, when she brought up the partition thing which cause some commotion in the college. I was stuck between two parties, and I need to find some kind of a win-win solution so this 2 sides come to turn. It was a difficult time, but to know you have a teacher who know your problems and care for you is really soothing. She told me that in times like this, I just need to be strong despite what people think about my decisions and actions, and be true to my values and principles. At the same time, Pn Bad and Ms Loh have taught me on life itself. Friends have certainly been there for me throughout the turmoil. A simple ‘Hi’, ‘How are you?” by them have really made my day, especially when I’m in the blues. I must admit that sometimes, flying solo would be my preference, but in times when you just feel like breaking someone’s neck, they can be darlings.
Of course, 3rd semester has its own unique expectations and challenges, and it feels as you just cannot make it. But with this people around, I think I’m going to make it!

Philosophers in the making

2008-07-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

it was a last minute thing actually. I was talking to a parent of this newby who apparently made the ‘right’ decision of coming to Banting when Alia, Diana, and Vini just came out from the hall after attending a briefing on the upcoming TOK camp. They were quite shock to know that I was not going, and they were pushing me to go. Sook Leng was mentioning to me in Thailand that the TOK camp was a must-go and it’s a heck of a fun. Well, lucky for me, there was one more place vacant so what the heck. I really need to enjoy all the fun that I can get before the infamous 3rd sem kicks in. this sem is well known for causing IB student go insane and mental facilities and rehab are known to be fully booked at this period of time. (seriously).
At first glance, the Metropole Hotel appeared out of a scene from the Twilight Zone; a sinister, scary structure popping out of the remnants of the old Malacca in the middle of Bandar Hilir. You should have seen the Plaza Hang Tuah, which appear very much abandon, though there are some small tenants doing business as usual. For those frequent OU and Mid goers, the place would be completely their worst nightmare.
Even though the exterior might be repulsive and unwelcoming, the accomedation was… ok. The facilities were not as in Hiltons or Shangri-La, but it was inhabitable for 3 days.
Icebreaking was a blast. There were 10 drawing papers on a mounting board, and each of us were given 1 minute to draw anything that is related to Malacca. After the minute, your next team member will continue your work, and the process continued until all of the members had their cnhance to show their artistic talents. Van Goh would be really proud if he is still around to see the pieces that we all have collectively created… NOT… But what impressed me the most, was the how each of the group rep presented. I felt as if I was in those Russel Peter’s Live Comedies where people were laughing their butts off to the jokes. There was this one about the picture of an ‘erecting cow’! Well, I have only heard of bull erection.
We ‘played God’ when we were given a cliché yet cool task of determining the most suitable candidate to receive a heart transplant. Of course, each patients have his or her on circumstances to debate on and all of us got into a very heated debate. They were some of us standing on chairs and tables trying to get their point across. It’s a clear evidence to show how emotions come into play in making hard, solid decisions. Mr Azhar, like all TOK teachers, really bring the seminar room alive with his ‘cynical wisdom’ and ‘philosophical mockery’. Hihi (no offence mr azlan)
On the same night, me and my hommies decided to experience the night life in Malacca and explore the area by foot in the middle night. I was also desperately in need of Tom Yam. To our luck, we found a small time fun fare in the Jalan Tun Ali. Iqbal and me had a shot on the nausea-causing-pirate-swinging ship where I almost puke in and the Eye of Malacca. And on the same night, I realized that my wallet was gone, with RM 400, IC, ATM cards, license and everything in it. I was obviously fucked up, but thinking back, it was just papers and card, and I don’t want the lost of worldly possessions ruin my holiday. Hey, and looking at the bright side, i got my first hand experience doing a police report and my first genuine police report. That's so cool!!!
We spent half the day in Bandar Hilir the next day. It supposed to be those Explorace type of thing, where you need to take public transport available, and we were to find any infos that is related to history and ‘philosophy of knowledge’. the feeling it's kinda different than those museum trips i had in primary school. to be honest, whne i observed artifaxt, or paintings now, i am more reflective and i try to relate all those on display with myself and who i am today. It nurtures a deeper sense of appreciation towards arts compared to the time when i don't give a damn about some porcelins, paintings, or some dead guy. Maybe that's IB i guess?Most of us were tired running around the Stadhyus, museums, but no doubt we all had fun, taking pictures, trying new stuff, and just sight-seeing around the area. I feel that we spent more time loitering around rather than finding infos. Ha, and FYI, i stepped on a fresh, juicy pooh. Just another attraction in my collection of unfortunate events. but again, i tell myself that that day is a good day, coz everyday is a good day!!!
There were loads of activities done during the camp, mostly presentations. My team presented on the racism, and some did on adoption among girl homosexuals, and the acceptance of hermaphrodites. The issues were heavy, but it does shifted our paradigms and lead us into perceiving certain issues in different standpoints. Ms Loh meanwhile discussed on the significance of arts in the search of truth and knowledge.
One thing I like about TOK is the way that it helps you to see the world beyond how normal people see things. It as thought me to consider all factors and point of views, and in a way develops my critical thinking side. I also found out that I became more critical. I am not those i-love-malaysia kind of person, but after browsing in the museum and going in depth into all the exhibitions in the museum, it struck me that its an irony that the past could really foresee the future. There were times when i wonder, what's the point of me learning about some dead people and treaties but after the camp, it made me realize that history is more just than words and pictures; they are actually the interpretation of events that shape the course of our nation and brought us to today's present. Malacca is one fantastic example where modernization and history exist coincie with each other, and it's a living proof that heritage and culture must not be discareded in the expense of development and modernization. And it made me more appreciative of how the chapter of my history books are written. i sometimes ponder, which side should i stand and fight; equality and colour-blind Malaysia or the Malay supremacy? I know some might say that it's not something that i need to stress myself on, but i feel that i have to be a part of this.The ancient buildings, artifacts and people cultivated a great deal of patriotism and empathy towards the tribulations our grandfathers need to go through in building a nation. Even though I was a little bit miserable with my wallet gone, stepping on pooh, flu-stricken, and fatigue, I manage to maintain my zest and deceitfully fool myself into thinking that every day is a good day. people were kind of astonished looking at me very hyper when i have a lot of craps happening to me.Why should I worry about some money and cards when life is more than money and business, aite?

Back from the dead

2008-06-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have made a lot of firsts, and now it's time for me to write a new chapter and create new history.

it's time to stand up
it's time to move on,
its time to live!!

Banting..sweet..banting

2008-06-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

2 weeks of what seemed as a very shprt holiday, a wonderful trip to Kota Kinabalu and now I’m back in Banting, for another grueling semester of IB. I survived a year here, and I can do it again, though the tribulation and challenges will be far more grater that what I experienced for the last 2 semesters. But no piggy, life is short, and you just need to survive it and make the best of it.
I have never anticipated such a surprising week, starting off with a trip in Air Asia’s flight AK 3860 from Kuantan to LCCT on that Wednesday morning. The match between Sweden and Greece was filled with goals and action and no doubt it was worth not sleeping. Being awake the whole night, I planned on having my desperately-needed sleep in the plane, and I was not aware of the big shots and huge names that were on board.
The moment the plane left the tarmac, I read a couple of pages from Cecilia Ahern’s Dear Rosie, and I went into a very comfortable, deep sleep. But guess who was the first person I saw once my eyes were opened? TONY FERNANDES. I’m not shitting you, and it is real as it could possibly get. It felt as if I’ve been off for 5 minutes, but I was sound asleep for the whole 40 minutes. Actually, I’m no fan of Malaysian celebrities, but to have the experience of the CEO of Air Asia saying hello to me and asking how well I slept was undeniably an experience of a life time. As a bonus, I also got the chance of meeting the board of directors and those Air Asia models, people who you don’t usually meet on the road side on any normal days. Maybe they were on their way back after launching the Kuantan-KL route in Kuantan recently.
Nothing much about the PROSTAR though. Just helping out with the preparations and anything that I could offer my hands to. It’s nice to see 500 students all over from Malaysia coming down to this small town and mingling with each other and just have fun. What I did is just ushering and welcoming the VIP’s and some heavy lifting. But at the end of the programme, some of us were treated to a theater presentation in Bangsar called ‘Sybil’. It was staged at the Actor’s Studio in the lavish Bangsar Shoppin Complex. As just an overview, ‘Sybil’ depicts the strength and perseverance of a woman named Sybil during the Japanese occupation. Her name could not be found in any history text books, but her contributions shaped the course of the Malaya’s history during the Japanese occupation.
Ms Loh, Imran, Ammal, and I were at the ticket stall and there was this lady, just hovering in front of the ticket booth. We were not aware of who this lady was, but Ms Loh hurriedly told us that she was the director of ‘Sybil’, Dato’ Faridah Merican. For a woman who was gifted with the touch of arts and has her name marked in the production and performing arts industry, she was very easy going, friendly, and we were very comfortable with her presence. We have never seen a woman of her prominent position being very humble and down to earth and it was an honor having the opportunity to shake the hands of this iron lady. I’ll give the theater a 2 thumbs up, and we really enjoyed the show. I looked forward to my next theater moment.

Hey, just a friendly advice, life is full of surprises.;) Take it from me!

An evening drive with my mom

2008-06-12T00:21:00.000-07:00

I was my mom’s wingman when we send Imran to Seremban, and the trip became a lesson of family values and responsibilities. That evening, on the way to Kuantan from Seremban, my mom mention reminded me things of great importance and it would be my lying foundation in every decisions and actions I take.
It seemed that it has become my family’s tradition to organize our own weddings, with Grandma being the chief and mak lang as the wedding planner. This former dentistry lecturer iron lady has a god-given ability to put up grand and glamorous weddings. Of course, no matter how meticulous you are in planning something, there will be certain things that might get wrong, or miscalculated, or certain flaws that were overlooked. Conflicts would surely arise between those who are directly or indirectly involved; it’s the way how things work. But one thing was definitely evident when the whole family members come together to achieve this feat; it reflects a strong blood tie between us all that could never be broken nor separated.
My mom mentioned that we might go different paths and mind our own businesses, but when the time comes, we will come back together again as a family. When my grandpa and adik Wan passed away, it brought all of the family members closer. And of course, when weddings arrive, the whole family will come together and helped out. In my personal account, I was a man of confidence, believing that the world is in my hands and I could achieve everything that I have my mind on. But when my life somehow went astray, there was no where else that I can go to, except to my family. Maybe there’s truth behind the saying ‘home is where the love is’.
Being the eldest in the family has its own perks and down fall, but the package comes with its own distinct set of responsibilities. I have 4 brothers under me, and being the first born once deceived me into believing that I was invincible and I have the license to kill. I was once the dictator of the second generation of the family, where I ruled and reigned my brothers with an iron claw. But my mom reminded me that evening that the responsibility of keeping the family together lies on my shoulder. Each of my family members would play an important role in upholding the good name of the family, but as the first born, I bear the vital task of protecting the family from anything that could break us apart. Well, no one says it would be easy but what can be done, I’m born with it.
Now I know that every step I take, and every event that took place in my life now do not just lead me into becoming a person of greatness and a man of service, but a man of family. And it all came to me during a drive back to Kuantan on one evening with my mom.

Borneo...

2008-06-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

It all started by a friend, Khidir, who invited me for a Mount Kinabalu expedition in class one day, and being an adventure junky (I think I am), I completely agreed on the invitation. Thinking about my dad who has dedicated most of his adult life to his career at his clinic, he deserved a break out from the shackles of his daily routines and fly off for an adventure of a life time, and from my standpoint, it’s a great trip for a father-son bonding. I was head over hills for this trip, boosting up my stamina with some extensive jogs around the college and my dad has been climbing hills all over Kuantan on alternate days. That’s my dad.
The cool, chill weather was saturated by the excitement of our group which composed of some KMB students, a couple of UTP staffs, and Khidir’s parents. Lush greeneries covered the mountain range, with the tropical forest left unscratched by any robust economic development. A breather around the park became a walk down a living green showcase of natural history when ferns taller than us could be seen everywhere. We were told to take deep breaths to get ourselves acclimatize. The temperature was not as pleasing as the scenery where it lingers between 8 to 14 degrees Celsius. All of my group members were wearing thick climbing clothes to get themselves all warm up from the freezing night, but me being a natural weirdo, I just wore a simple shirt and my cargo pants, and off I went for a good night sleep without any bath.
We were to start from the Mersilau route which was further for the other trail (Timpohon), which spans around 9.5 Km. It seems no piggy, but this is not your normal jogging trail; you are actually scaling the trail on rocky, rigorous, steep terrains, and bear in mind that the air gets thinner and oxygen will be getting scarce. I had my 4 kg hiking beg on my back, just to get the experience. But it could not be compared with the potters who were carrying huge gas canisters, beds, food supplies on their back, up and down, day and night. These people are the arteries which transport vital supplies to the rest house at 3500 metres above sea level. Despite the huge beg hanging on my back, and the excruciating cramps all over my quadriceps, you just need to continue moving on. But the scenery was just fantastic and you could really observe the transition of the different type of vegetation as you ascend. I just let the pictures do all the talking for me.
Our first leg of the journey ended at Laban Rata where the sight of a cluster of rest houses greeted us after a very tiring climb. Sarah and Alia almost gave up and they have been whining to go down back and refused to continue, but with a little bit of motivation from friends and a little bit of butt-kicking, they succeeded to accomplish the first leg. The rain, altitude sickness, freezing temperatures, fatigue and cramps almost hampered our will and spirit, but when we moved in a group and watched each other’s back, we could achieve much more. But the real challenge was yet to come, at 2 am the next day.
The ascend towards the summit, in the cold, pitch black night, with just your head lamp, a bottle of water, and some chocolates were just simply brutal. The cold, strong winds just scarred your face deeply, and your hands numbed. Your lips felt as if they were poked by needles. At first, it was quite okay, but at a certain point of our ascend, there were not even a single tree that could be seen on the hard granite landscape. Small dust-like particles started falling like rain on us, and it got challenging with every step taken. With the steep terrain, we relied on ropes to help us scale the huge granite boulders and it requires people with nerve of steel to accomplish this feat. The gush of winds could literally blow you away. A friend of mine, who was scaling without any light assistants, freaked out, broke down, and cried in the middle of the ascend, and desperately pushing us to her go back down. But again, teamwork sufficed and prevailed in her tribulation and with strong support from friends, she continued on. She was pale, evidently tired, and completely lost her zest. But what she need was just a friend to help her get up and keep moving forward. At last, we reached the summit just in time for the sunrise.
It was a great accomplishment for all of us. There we stood on the highest peak in South East Asia at 4095 metres above sea level, overwhelmed by a cocktail of emotions. Khidir’s mom, who reached the peak 3 times, broke down to tears after stepping on the granite rocks on the summit. The sunrise from the top was a sight that could not be seen elsewhere and all of Borneo was visible for the eyes to indulge in. We spent almost 2 hours there, but it was just a relieved and it brought us to redefine the term satisfaction. I believe, and I’m sure the others agree with me, when I say that the mind plays a greater role than physical capabilities. You need to motivate yourself constantly by telling yourselves always to take the next step and keep moving on. And the other thing which was essential to execute such feat was the team spirit. Not being cocky and boastful but I know I could reach there way earlier, but I realized that you will be up there all alone in the dark, freezing night, with no one to share your moments with. Quite sad, isn’t it? In this case, individualism was forced to succumb to collective efforts. But again, what goes up must go down.
During our descend, another friend of mine was struck by a disturbing nausea, and someone needs to accompany her. It felt like a rescue mission, but I just accompanied her throughout the descend. Pushing her too much would not be appropriate, so I just let her take her time but at the same time, encouraged her to keep moving on. Along the way, the whole expedition has put strains on my knee, and they were killing me every time I take a step. We were stuck in the heart of the jungle for 7 hours, and at last we were greeted with a hero’s welcome as we reached the Timpohon gate.
Again, this expedition was a test of friendship, mental, brawn, and teamwork. It’s not about reaching there first, but it’s about reaching there together.

Back at square one

2008-05-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

It was a couple of days before our last SPM paper, and instead of locking ourselves in our rooms and cramping with all the Biology juggins, we lofted around at the astaka near the field in the middle of the night and just stared blankly at the clear Langkawi skies. Trust me, it really clears your head off. Then, one of us popped a question which I somehow presented everytime a situation where the prospect of the future is considered; How do we see ourselves in 10 year times? Of course, the commoner will have life goals and career on their heads. But, there are times when we wonder, what will become of the friendship forged between us and our friends. To be honest, there is a chapter in my life which made me very skeptical of companionship and I always try to keep my guard up by not indulging myself with any best friends. And of course, I have always have this notion of people being self-centered and profit-motived that they would not give a damn on friendship. And of course, later on, after SPM, we will be surely taking different pathways, and they would be unlikely parallel with each other. But after 1 year in KMB, I’ve proved myself wrong.
During my dark ages, I found tranquility and peace in solitary and self-confinement, and I would never be content with people’s achievements which are more superior than those of mine. But, after all the things that set in motion the past few years, I took knowledge of the fact that the world is a spherical, living glob, and no matter where you are and which direction you head, you will end up at the same point where you start. It also implies on friendship. Of course, we will be encounter momentous and defining decisions that might seemed a you put your friends as an opportunity cost, but there were never such circumstances. Of course, there would be separation, not just by distance, but also the different state and extend of indulgence, but men are bounded by their emotional attachment with their counterparts. Just a couple of days before our sem 2 examination, Nabil, Syahir and Maryam have been darlings to visit and observe themselves how pathetic and miserable we have become. They stayed for a night in the 5 star accommodation of KMB, and we did some catching up session on the things we left off. Each has their own stories to share and it has been very interesting to know the changes we’ve been through. Judging at the various raw emotions and facial gestures on each of their faces, it seemed that so little has change between us, even though some has more pimples on their faces and some has longer hair. It felt exactly the same as 501 and 502 that we once cried and laughed in. Yes, it has been two years, but the bond we have is still strong to an extend that our dear friend Jaja was overwhelmed and touched by the sight that she was reduced to tears. Needless to say, it’s up to you judge how strong a friendship could be, if it is nurtured and cherished.

A holiday which is not a holiday at all

2008-05-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's the holidays, but it doesn't feel like one. These are a few of the long list of things i need to do in the 3 weeks whichsupposed to be my semester break.

1. World Literature Assignment 's First Draft

2. Establishing RQ for Extended Essay

3. Personal statement for university placement

4. Internal Assesment for Economics

5.Analysing some Malay Literature

...

and the list continues

Hey.. That's IB!!!

The Chaing Rai Experence

2008-05-23T20:43:00.001-07:00

Well, I have been longing to write this entry since I touched down in Malaysia from Thailand. But of course, time constraint and assignments, assignments, assignments have never failed in keeping me away from my keyboard.
I have been so blessed to be given the chance to attend a youth seminar on social development and drug abuse prevention in Chiang Rai, Thailand end of March. It was actually a 7 day workshop attended by youth leaders from ASEAN countries and China where we exchanged strategies and experiences on issues and the roles that could be taken by youths in handling these issues. Each country has sent 5 representatives, consisting of a mentor and 4 participants.
To be honest, I was quite nervous to attend such activities for it was my first time attending an international seminar, and what more to be addressing in front of an international crowd. But of course, it is never too early for the first.
You could not just ignore the scent of awkwardness feeling up the air. The ice breaking session was as if we were meeting Martians who are on an official visit to earth. But, the vibrant colours of their unique traditional attire created a more friendly environment suitable for making acquaintances. Maybe I put my hopes too high on this seminar, but it was to my disappointment that a considerable number of the participants do not have the English proficiency sufficient in addressing heavy issues as those that would be discussed on the seminar. I pointed out this to the Singaporean and Malaysian mentors, but they told me that I would learned something very valuable from it; and trust me I did.
One thing that was very evident, and also very interesting about the seminar was the differences of culture from different countries converging at one point. At first, we did encounter some problems when our believes, thinking, and managing system collided which has stirred up some conflicts and confrontation. But of course, at the end of the day, we realized that differences are not weaknesses, but it is actually an asset that could unite and strengthen us all. To me, the differences of cultures and believes are not meant to be discarded or prevented, but they are meant to be celebrated. I would love to quote what the Singaporean mentor addressed to us in the mentor’s closing speech “Overall, the greatest and best consensus that we have reached is to agree to disagree’. Try to read between the lines…
Being elected as the chairman and the overall manager was a defining moment to me, and of course it brought along a huge responsibility. I have never imagined myself gaining an overwhelming support from other countries. I don’t know what I did to deserve such respect from these people, but I always believe that in order to gain respect, you need to respect others first. Acting as the overall manager, I was to organize and facilitate a ‘drug prevention day’ which will be attended by 50 international students. Sounds easy, but there’s a twist…. It would be a formal event, attended by some Thai big shots, and I was only given one day to set everything!! To me, it was not just a test of my managing skills as the president of my college, but it was for the good name and pride of the Malaysian name. The pressure escalated, and it was just hard core. I even did not take my bath the whole day as I had my mind on this thing. There were a couple of conflicting ideas and managing system that came into the picture, such as my managing approach deviated from Thailand’s conventional approach, the choice of venues between China and Brunei. In times like this, I realized that democracy has its limits and it must be balanced up with an authoritarian approach. Soon, we managed to reach a consensus on the blueprint and it was executed well. Alhamdullillah, everything went well, and I was grateful to have friends from Singapore, Indonesia, Philippines, Brunei, China and my county mates who has been my greatest allies and support throughout the whole ordeal. But despite the tantrums and quarrelling, we manage to bury the hatchet, stand on common ground against common enemies.
But the one thing than transcends culture and language was the friendship forged between all the participants. In the early period of the workshop, the bilateral issues which brew up between Malaysia and its neighbours somehow affected my cold perception on the people of that particular country. I might not need to go into details, fearing it would become seditious, but to be honest, their top politician’s stands and views does not reflect the good people of the country, and they are actually very nice people. Throughout the whole 7 days, we laughed and cried together, and we became very close and fond with each other. I actually don’t know how to put into words, but the 7 days we spent together has created a lovely and wonderful friendship between us all. We partied, dance, and had fun together, and we have become one huge family. I still remember when we were to depart to the Suvarnabhumi Airport, all of our friends were waiting for us at the lobby early in the morning, just to say their goodbyes to us. A lot of red eyes were seen, and I was not excluded from the emotional drama. I still remember how we hug, and had a group hug together; a sheer sign of the friendship we cultivate throughout the whole 7 days there. Puktan, our close friend hugged me so dearly, and it as quite some time before she let me go. It was such a tear-shedding moment, but of course, it would be one of the hardest things that you could take place in a friendship. It’s true that it takes a second to make a friend, but it takes a lifetime to say goodbye.
All in all, it has been an unbelievable and extraordinary experience for me to be attending the event. It has benefitted me a lot in so many ways, and it is an experience that I would not trade in for anything, even a million dollars. It is those moments which is worthy to be in my most memorable moments in my life, and it has created a new me and shifted my paradigm to the better. Love you all my friends! Youth leader rox!!!!

A sudden change of hearts

2008-05-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Akum.
Hey there my fellow friends. Its been quite some time since the last time i updated my blog, and now, I have the time, means, and the mood to write my heart out on my blog. I have been seriously and heavly occupied by assignments, projects, problems, exams, and so many side dishes that even being able to sit in front of the laptop would be heaven. There were so many things that happen for the past couple of months, which I personally believe it is worth to be shared with all of you. I don’t know to what extend it will entertain you, but I for one, believe that the things that happen to me has their own hikmahs and I hope it could inspire you as how it has inspire me so much. And now, I see the world as a spherical clouds with silver and golden linings.
Every student who is under a scholarship knows very well that they are bounded to the terms and contracts set by their sponsors. I for one am no exception; MARA will be spending more that RM 1.5 million on me so that I’ll become a certified doctor and contribute to the GDP in Malaysia’s labour force. But a week before my Economics paper, I somehow ended up with a question that every medical students dread so much; why should I become a doctor? Don’t worry, I am not regretting to take up medicine and im not being boastful and all-proud of my Allah-given abilities, it’s just that I believe that my potential can be put to better use rather that wasting on just becoming a normal, stereotypical doctor in a cubicle, repeating the same old routine each day, succumbing yourself to a life of a social outcast. I don’t mean to offend the very people who have dedicated their lives in this noble profession, but it’s just that I see doctors can reach further and do more to the community and the world rather that the things that they are doing now. I feel that this people have spent a large portion of their lives learning and understanding the greatest knowledge of all; the miracles of man’s creation, and they should be more than just doctors. They are destined to be world shakers. Still, I don’t have even the slightest intention of downgrading other professions and I believe that they are as important to the community and to the country.
After being given the chance to address to an international crowd on heavy issues, and organizing programmes on an international scale, I have found that my passion lies in making people more aware of the surroundings and the issues which are shaping the world everywhere. There are so many things going on all around us, but it’s a disappointment to know that the people who have the privilege of having food in their plates more than 3 times a day don’t give a damn about those people living in famine and poverty. Darfur, Palestine, Rwanda, Afghanistan, and the list just goes on. I know that becoming just a doctor would not help this people, so I need to do more, much more. Realistic enough, countering development and social issues would sound as if it came out of a Brother Grimm’s fairy tales, but dreams do come true and to tell you the truth, I still don’t know which path should I take which could lead me to achieving my cause. But despite it all, I know I can do it. And to my fellow friends out there, I for one have the upmost confidence that you all also have the potential and the ability to change the world. It might be a long, winding, and treacherous road, but it is never impossible. If you are to become an engineer, don’t become ‘just an engineer’, but ‘The Engineer’. If you opt to become an accountant, don’t just become an accountant but be ‘the Accountant’. And to future doctors, be ‘The Doctor’.

Finding a reason and a purporse

2008-03-10T11:26:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

It was a reality which came like a gush of wind. I was attending my weekly usrah and we discussed, in a very open manner, of the reality of the world we are living in. And the thing is, reality is not as pleasent as it seems. My naqib started off by asking what will become of us all in the next 1o years. Each and everyone of us in the usrah had some say, and for me, i see myself as a surguen cum doctor at that time. than he brought up the issue, to me , of great importance; is it worth enduring 8 to 9 years of vigorous medical school, just to end up as a robot? It does sound a little bit over the top and rude, but thinking back, it is true. Im my case, IB is already hard enough, and there will be another 6 to 7 years of medical school, and in the process, ill be sacrificing so many things. But it just sickens me that the end product will be dr who wake up at 6, go to work until 5pm, come back, have dinner, and continue working at night, and the on-calls, and the vicious cycle will continue until i retire. By that time, ill be too old to do the things which i didn't have the chance to do in my working days. Is it worth the sweat and blood for the whole 8 to 10 years, just to become a robot? Is life worth just spending in the office and meeting sick people on a regular basis? To me, i feel sick to the gut just cosidering the prospect which is in store for me in the future. And this also implies on careers other that medicine. Life should be more than the 8 to 5 pm dull routine. My naqib ask us all to think of what should we do. To me, this is not the life i wanted and i was not born on this earth just to become a bloody slave. I am here to make a difference. Some might be sceptical of what my plans are, thinking that they are too ambitious that they are out of my reach, but i believe that i have the capabilities and the strenght to achieve what man thought impossible. I wanted to make a difference in this world, may it be big or small. I would really love to travel all around the world, celebrate the the different cultures, and to help those people in need. it might sound big, but i have already taken the first step out of the many that i need to take to get there. Should be there any difference between me and the people in africa? I am obliged to join the many young men and women who have the spirit and desire to make a change in this world. Hassan Al-Bana once wished that he hoped to die as a martyr, and as for me i pray that i'll die in my battle for truth and just, and in my last gush of breaths, i hope to see the world a much more better place. Inshallah.

Wasslam

Eye opener

2008-03-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum.

Just wanna share you a video which really opened my eyes to the reality of life. Its a must watched. Enjoy.

Wasalam

Ma makna Islam?

2008-03-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

Assalamualaikum
Firstly, I am writing this not as a pious man nor an ustaz, not as a sheikh nor as a tabligh. But i am writing this as a muslim, a proud muslim who is obliged to do the amar makruf wa nahi mungkar and to counter the misconceptions about the ad-deen, not just among the non muslims, but also among my brothers and sisters of islam. But please, don't have the idea of me wearing the white headgear and the jubah, and having a long beard. I hardly wear any kopiah before, for your information.
I have a question to ask; what is islam?
I did ask this question to a few of my friends and some people that i encountered, and their answers are quite dissapointing. Some restrict the practice of islam just in the confinements of the 5 pillars of islam. Instead, in reality, islam is much more than that. It is not just a religion, but it is ad-deen; a way of life. Western orientalist and secularism has somehow corrupted the minds and thoughts of muslims with te doctrine that islam is only in the mosque, and once you are out of the mosque, you are someone else. No, islam is much more than that. It is a system of life, where it teaches its followers the basis of every aspect of life, ranging from the smallest of things in our daily life, such as the taharah (cleanliness) until the ethics and guidelines on how to govern a country or an empire (the daulah). It is a complete, thorough manual of life, with the al-quran and the as-sunnah as the reference and the prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as the main example. Islam is everywhere; from the way you smile, the way you care about people, the way you talk, the way you sit, the way your eat, and the list goes down. If you are aware, we are constantly reminded of what islam really is in the solah that we perform : 'kul inna solati wa nusuki, wa mahyaya wa mamati lillahi rabbil alamin'. meaning ; my prayers, my ibadah, my life and my death is dedicated to Allah, the creator of all. (quoted in the iftitah).
In my personal opinion, the source of the misconception could be traced to how we are educated by our parents, teachers and the society. We have been brought up with the idea that islam equals malays, and we are continuously taught into picturing a muslim wearing a songkok, a baju melayu or a jubah, the serban, and that person sitting in the surau. It is deeply embedded in the society that we somehow mistook culture with Islam. And to some extent, islam is wrongly claimed that it inhibits development, and it is a much dissapointment that some of my brothers and sisters supported this statement.
History has proven that Islam ia not just able to exist coincide with development, but instead, the development of knowledge flourished under the reign of Islam. From the times of the Khulafa' Ar-rashidin, to the Umayyads, the Abbasids, until the Ottomans, the world has witnessed an unprecedented rise of the Islamic civilisation, with the territory controlled by muslims grew rapidly and muslim scholars speerheading new discoveries and findings in every field of knowledge. And bear in mind that all of the great Muslim thinkers are also prominent religious leaders.
Brothers and sisters, the time for change is now. It is essential that all of us embrace the true meaning of islam and cast aside the misleading ideas that has so long been ascociated with it. We need to always remind ourselves and others what islam is really all about.
And lastly, i would like to ask a question for all of us to ponder; from puberty until now, what have we contributed to Islam?
Wasalam

Ferenheit rising....

2008-03-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

Well, im really sorry for being idle for the last 2 to 3 months. i have been very busy as hell and to tell you the truth, i have never imagined mysely where i seriusly, damn seriusly, have no time for myself. Before entering College Mara Banting, our seniors constantly telling us not to take up IB we reasons like bz and stres and etc. etc. We never took them serius, with the thought that they were joking with us. But after doing IB for the past 9 months, it hit me like a speeding train. First sem was ok, assignment were moderate, not much projects, and everythng was ok, thought we were already feeling the heat. And then come second semester, and all hell break loose. It's just unfair to make a generalisation on all IB world schools, but KMB's IB programme will suck the life and sunshine out of u, and this is not a hyperbolic statement. With the CAS class-based project, the exhibitions, the assignments, the lab report, the gropu 4 project, the EE, the CAS project, the CAS report, and much much much more, its no question mark that the students are constantly under pressure. There was this one week, my class just came back from a camp (which we organized and we, ourselve participated). We were deprived of sleep, fatigued, and worn out. Then came our Malay Lit exhibition, and there went our sleep. At the same time, we have lab reports which were due on that very week. And at the same time, we had maths and bio exam on the same week. Lack of sleep, the pressure was taking a toll on each and every one of us. On one night, i was shocked to see my friend, in the middle of the night, was doing his report, and he was crying. His eyes were red of the little sleep he had for 3 days in the row. For me, being the president of the student council adds up a whole new bunch of problems. But i managed to keep my emo intact though at certain times, when i am alone, looking at the picture in front of me on the table, i just cant hold back. One part of me was very grateful that the person in the picture does not have to go through the mental torture i am experiencing, and at the same time, another part of me just wished that i am not here, not on this pathway, not in this field, and i might, just might be, as in the picture with that person. The hopes, the expectations were too overwhelming that u feel as u want to let go of everything and be just... no one. The UK dream, the plans, felt so out of reach.In the surau, i develope the habit of watcing a group of children , who are regulars at the surau, playing around, and i would always wish that i could turn back time to the days when i was like those children; no worries and no responsibilities. It took me a while to overcome the pervasive feeling that was overpowering me, and the only thing that give me that little but too important strength was i have something to prove to someone, and i want to make that person proud of me. At the same time, i felt that i had a bigger purpose in life; to help those people in need, and my responsibility to revive back the ummah. These reasons make the sleepless nights, the fatigues, and the tears a little bit worthwile. Ms Loh once said, the pressure can either break u or make u, and if u manage to 'survive' the 2 year programme, u are destined to be someone great. i hold on to that very dearly. And of course, there were conflicts which needed to be cofronted and taken control of. I lost more friends than i make one, and as i write this entry, i might lose my very source of strength. I don't know. if that happens.... Its not too much if i say that IB is just about being the best, but its all anout surviving the 2 excruciating years. Maybe the dream i once told hanif is materializing in front of me as i speak.

Sunrise

2007-12-26T06:40:00.000-08:00

Here is a series of sun rise pic i took in Penang early in the morning. This is taken in Tg Tokong.

Oriental delight

2007-12-21T10:20:00.000-08:00

At first, i was not that keen of participating in my family's trip to Hong Kong and Shenzen. I was on protest at first for my parent's refusal of letting me go for a humanitarian trip to Vietnam. they came up with excuses which i see as unrelevant at all; malaria threat, instability, etc.. etc.. So, not wanting to be a child who bite the hands which feed me, i complied and decided on joining them on the trip. At frst, i thought that this holiday will never come close to the excitement of my homestay trip in Nagoya and Tokyo.But as i stepped on Hong Kong's soil, with the mild winter weather bearing great resemblence with the temperature of Cameron highlands in the night, i must say that i took back my words.

From what i see, HK is like the Asia's version of the big apple; the infamous traffic jams, sky scrappers, and a stream of people rushing from one place to another. Frankly speaking, Hong kong people are not that very friendly and your simple 'hello' to them ussually are not replied. Similar with Japan, they speak very little English, and if they do, they have those tones and ascent like those of Russel Peters contoversial racist jokes. (Super damn funny!) And the standard of living there is quite high. lets say for ur simple 'ma sya' or green tea, it will cost u around HK$ 12.00 (equivallent to 6rm).

In travel, i am not those stereotypical type of person who heads off to theme parks or so called 'famous tourist sights' in a group. I prefer travelling alone, making friends with the natives, learning and trying out new cultures. Rather travelling in groups, i rather have a map or a gprs in my hand, get to know a few natives, and follow where my legs and instincts lead me. For me, this is the true backpacking cum travelling cum learning experience. A day after arriving in Hong Kong, after a tour trip, i brought along my pouch with camera, a map, and a bottle of mineral water, and just wonder off nowhere. I came across a lot of 'interesting' places where u can find in Malaysia; table-dancing with topless girls club, mamak stall in HK, I-Phone for 600rm, a newly wedded couple, in their wedding attire, taking pictures in the middle of the busy roads of HK, and a group of Muslims, going to the mosque for prayers.

Then, on our third day, we shoot of to Shen Zen by train. I had this utterly strange feelinh when we reached there; it is hard to believe that China is still in the communist block considering there are a lot of non-chinese influences that could be seen all over Shen Zen. It was hard to unnotice the gigantic factories and indusries which could be found there. No wonder that China has turned out to be the next economic super power surpassing Uncle Sam, with a GDP of a staggering 11%. i was told that Shen Zen is is also known as the 'Tounge of Immigrants' as 95% of the population there are people from outside Shen Zen. With it labour intensiive industries, a large portion of the inhibitants are working in factories. And it is also mind blowing to know that 20 years ago, this huge city , with its numerous skycrappers(as huge as New York or Chicago, seriusly!) was once just a small agriculture village.

Tourists who come here have only one thing in mind when they come to Shen Zen; shopping. When i say shopping, people literally 'shop till they drop!'. Its true. There is this one place called Dongmen market which has been the Mecca for people who are on the hunt for 'Prada' handbags, 'Gucci' shoes, 'Burbery' tranch coat, and you can get them as low as 40 HK$(20rm), given that you know how to bargain. I bought my Adidas skate gear and shoes for just 50HK$ (25rm). Cool aite? I talked with one of the promoters there and they told me that most of the goods sold there are made by workers working at the factories where they will bring home the leftover materials and make their own fashion line in their homes.

Even the original goods there are cheap. I bought the original Giardano casual long sleeve shirts, Bossini's sweat shirt and sweater, and Espirit's shirts with a total expenditure of just 400 HK$ (200rm). Man, this is the only time when i really enjoy shopping.

Of coursse, the grand finale would be Hong Kong's Disneyland. Though it is not as huge as Tokyo's, but it was ok.. i guess. But, as i said before in my previous blog, the magic is still the same. All those Disney magics come to life; a place where you can do anything and you could forget all your worries. The 'Let it Snow' parade was a blast, and i had a fantastic time dancing with the other tourist during the parade. I just forget the things around me, find someone to dance wth, and shake that booty. The 'Circle of Life' was also superb, relieving the time when i grow up with the Lion King, and of course, the fireworks which i didn't have the chance to see when i was in tokyo. Simply in words, it is just beautiful and tears-shedding.

But one thing that could not go unnotice is the friendship which blossomed between the people in our group. My dearest little sister and brother, Alysia and Adam (hopefully we could meet again 'sumwhere far' =)), uncle Azly, Intan and Fafa, Shahmi and Tina and the other wonderful people; these are the people who have been my best friends and family during the 7 day trip. And of course, Look and Samantha from St Andrews IB school who have been a great travelling buddy.

Overall, it was those moments which are worthy to be labelled 'the best times of my life' and i hope that i could visit this lovely place again. Next stop; Beijing? Paris? Egypt?.. Inshallah.

'So close yet so far'

2007-12-16T09:45:00.000-08:00

Sitting outside under the heavens with my laptop as my trusty companion, I took awhile to listen to Jon McLaughlin's 'So Close' which was, to me, a completely lovely and beautiful soundtrack of Disney's Enchanted. It might be that i'm Patrick Demsey's 'Dr McDreamy' fan, or it might be the feeling that you have after watching Disney's motion picture, but i for one, must say, that it is the message of the movie itself that brings out the magic there is in every living soul; happy ending does exist and miracles do happen. (To anyone who haven't watch this movie, ull be happy to know that it is worth my 2-thumbs up...make it 3). Frankly speaking, since March this year, i've been experiencing so many things, and i end up pisting myself at the whole world. It came to a point that i've almost become a heartless person who don't give a fuck about people and the world. I cracked, i became selfish, i put the blame on myself till an extent that i feel much more lower than crap. It felt that the whole world was against me and i was all alone. It felt that you don't have tanywhere to go. But as i started doing my IB, getting through the most emotional ramadhan i had in my life, meeting people at every walks of life, and of course being back together with the person i care and love the most, it opened my eyes and made me realize that there might be hope for a 'happy ending' at all. Witnessing real life 'Lion King's Festival of Life' and the trip to Hong Kong's Disneyland, and watching Disney's 'Enchanted', it just made me realize that miracles, true love and happy endings are not just mere fantasies in fairy tales, but they all do exist; an it exist in us. What left to do is just one thing, and that is believing. As we are progressively living in a world where stress is a common sight and suffering has become a norm of life, we tend to forget the very little things in life that mean the most to us, we forget that true love triumph despite any species of odds, we forget all those fairy tales we grow up with which tells us that there will always be a happy ending in everything. Sometimes i wonder, why do parents costantly pushing their children to grow up so soon while there is a fantasy cultivated in them which if abide by it, we could make the world a better place?
I grow up with so many Disney movies; ranging from Lion King, Toy Story, Little Mermaid, Hercules, and so many more, and must i say, it permanently carved in me all the values which mould me into who i am today. The soundtracks is as monumetal as the movie itself, superbly orchestrated which could sip into your deepest and coldest corner of your heart and soften it up like winter in December. I have been to 2 Disneylands; Hong Kong and Tokyo, and to be frank with you, when u stepped into these magical places, it felt as if you are in a whole new world, a world without bloodshed and suffering, a world where fantasy and reality come together. And there will be times in there where you would lose your breathe and the last thing you kow, you'll be crying tears of joy. And once you see all those fireworks dancing among the stars above the magic castle, you'll just know that magic does exist, dreams come true, and there is a happy ending in everything. Take it from me, i fell, i stood up, and i believe in my happy ending. I might not be there yet, but at least in every step i take, ill always know that i have someone who will always be there for me, and there will always be that very magic which accompanies me in my journey. Miracles does happen and i believe!

To my dearest... So far yet so close..655

The legacy of hopes

2007-08-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I doubt the capabilities of human beings withstanding the full thrust of agony and suffering. We seemed so fragile; at any given moment we could crack under the immense pressure of world’s unforgiving nature and eventually break into million pieces. Before this, I felt my world crumbling down on me, with a lot of unexpected things knocking on my door and lot od due dates and datelines to be met. But, this particular place called PERNIM in Cheras Baru has opened my eyes to the reality of life, and how my problems are just bubbles compared to the sea of anguish and torment the children there are swimming in. This place houses abandoned children who their bodies are ravaged by the HIV virus, with no parents to go to, and ever thirsty for love and care. We spent 3 days there, playing with them, put them to sleep, teaching them a few lessons on life, and giving them the love and hope that they deserve and should have. Honestly at first, we felt quite anxious due to the reality that we are handling children who have the virus that there is still no cure for and the only barrier between us and the virus is just our skin. But, when we arrived there, every single negative perception that mingles in our heads receded. We were greeted with joyous laughs and smiles by the children there and judging from their appearances, we just could not apprehend the fact that this sweet, demure, innocent children are HIV positive. We wonder, what did they do to deserve this kind of punishment? Why life seems so unfair? The ‘Mama’ over there just explain briefly the background of the home and the history of the children who live there. If you could spend time with them, you’ll find out that these children are utterly independent and friendly, especially the babies there. They could sleep in your arms even you just have been there for 1 day. After every Maghrib solats, we would have a chat with them, trying to know them much better. A child there said, in his own words that his dad died and his mom would bring ‘new dads’ every night to his home. And there’s another child, she’s blind, her flesh was once ravaged by flesh-eating germs, she has a foot smaller than the another, and the only things she could say are her name, her age, and the Arabic characters. She was found abandoned, with dirt all over her body and left alone. Are we worse than animals? Even animals have more compassion than us if this is how we act. Those 3 days with them have created a strong family-like bond between us and the children and it was just heart-braking to just say goodbye to them. Those small kisses and gentle hugs I got from all of these children will indeed be the one of the most memorable experience in my life. Living in a picture perfect family, the only place where I could find this kind of stories before this visit was just in television dramas. But now, I have seen the dark side of life which I didn’t realize its existence before. One thing which marvels me the most is how these children could move on with their lives, after going through immense pain and hardships and still being able to carve the biggest smile on their faces? They, to me, are living and walking legacies of the human spirit and how believing in hopes and dreams could bring you out of life’s greatest challenges. Some of them want to be doctors, pilots, and soldiers and even though their future appeared dim, but ironically, this is the place where hopes shine the brightest. I have faith, no doubt, that these children have the capabilities and the strength to achieve where no man has achieved before. And in the end of the day, I realized that these children have made me understand that life is not all about receiving, but its more on giving, may it be hope, love, or anything else. And, indeed, even though hopes and dreams seemed irreversibly destroyed, they are actually not. We just need to keep on believing, and have a little more faith.

The certain and uncertain

2007-06-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

I chatted with Iman KA last night, and we end up talking about life and the uncertainty of it. (Don’t worry Iman, I wont go into details. Your secret’s safe with me ;)). There are so many things in life that we want to achieve, but the road is never straight, and the path will never be clear. She indicated to me that, generally, in life, we tend to find any signs of hope or certainty that will somehow give a sense of comfort to us all. Even I had this kind of desire too; always wanted something concrete and firm to hold on to, just to tell me that everything will be ok. But life doesn’t work like that. My Mak Long and mama once told me that life is never certain. It’s always a gamble, and we can never predict what will become of us in the future. (Even those ‘bomoh’ or ‘tok pawang’ couldn’t be certain of what they see of the future). I was always desperately wanting for this so called ‘certainty’, but my mom made me realize that certainty is one of the things that life could not offer. It takes me awhile to digest what she said, and eventually, I accepted the idea, though I still need those ‘signs of hope’. Yeah, what my Mak Long and mama told me was totally true; there will always be risk in taking life’s decisions, and the outcome may not turn out to be the way you want to but they told me that if even that’s the case, if you took it because its your passion and love, you will never regret it. There’s no way to escape risk, and it’s one component of life that we need to face in every aspect of life, but make the best of it by evaluating thoroughly and take the least risky one. Always take the calculated risk, just to be prepared for the ‘uncertain’.Like they say, if you can beat them, join them.
With life, comes uncertainty. With uncertainty comes risk, and with risk comes hope. So, in the midst of this ‘uncertainty’, no matter how blur or windy the road is, look inside you and ask yourself ‘what do you really want?’. If that’s your dream, take a while to think about it, stick to your plan and go for it. Everthing you ever desired and wanted is actually in front of you actually, and what you need to do is take the leap of faith. Just have faith, because to me, believing and putting the end in mind, will somehow make the windows of your future more cleaner and clearer. And always remember, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how windy the road is, and no matter how ‘uncertain’ your dreams are, nothing on this world is impossible, and just have faith and work your heart off for it. And Inshallah, ‘uncertain’ will become ‘more certain’ with every step you take. Have faith!

Memories

2007-06-11T04:09:00.001-07:00

I dedicate this to my lovely dearest and baby Zach. Happy birthday dear!

To some, memories are just events that took place in our lives that they can just forget about them and put the past as past. To another, memories take vivid pride where they reside the most, the heart. In this world, this ‘memory’ we depend on so much, contains various meanings, due to the cultural boundaries and the influence of the environment. Let me share with you my perspective and how I perceived memories. Memories come in various packages, depending on how meaningful they are to an individual. They can become so powerful, that it would have a profound effect on the human emotions. You might experience where you sit alone, reminiscing the past, and somehow, in a weird way, you laughed your throat out, or you suddenly cried and your eyes get puffy and red. That’s how powerful memories are; they can changed lives. You see, some might say that life-altering events, could, well.. alter lives I guess. But actually, this life-changing events could do so little unless they are kept in our hearts and you let them stayed there. That’s memories. Be it the lost of loved ones, your graduation, your wedding day, and the list goes down, the memories of this events will eventually transform you to another person, maybe for the better or the worst, depending on how you take it. I lost my baby brother once, and to tell you the truth, I was shattered and I have no where else to go. I still remember vividly, where I was waiting for my aunty to pick me up in the rain, and I prayed to the all Mighty that I hope that He would bring my brother back to life. But what is done is done. But with the loving memories of baby Zach, I have succeeded where a few has achieved, and that’s only the beginning and the visible, and trust me, as long as I hold on to his memories, I’ll achieve more, that the mortal mind can imagine.
And based on experience, memories can get even more meaningful when you have others in the picture. There’s nothing more beautiful than falling and rising with the people you care and love. Be it your friends, or your loved ones, or your family, to endure life with them will permanently stay in you forever. I don’t know how to explain this, but every laughs, tears, conflict, comfort that we share together has magic in them, and with them come life’s miracle. Let’s just put it this way; human bonds make memories even beautiful.
So, what I can say here is cherish all the moments that you have and share with others. When there’s a change of tide, they will comfort you in times when you needed comfort the most. Never put aside those memories, but embrace it and enjoy every second of it.

The devil's advocate

2007-06-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

This is a cool experiment that I learned when I read the June edition of New Scientist. Try it and you’ll be amaze on the way how our mind functions. It is called the ‘Wason Card Selection Task’.

You are given 4 cards, ‘D’, ‘A’, ‘2’, and ‘5’ written on the front of the card. You are needed to prove this statement by just flipping only 2 cards out of the 4. The statement is:

“If there is a D on one side, there is a 5 on the other”.

So, which card will you flip?

75% of the respondents flipped D and 5. But did the statement said anything about if there is a 5 on one side, there is a D on the other? No. So, why do we need to flip the ‘5’ ? Interesting isn’t it.

To confirm this theory, the solution is actually to disprove it, so you just need to flip D and 2. The reason:
For D, if the reverse isn’t 5, the statement is false.
For 2, if the reverse isn’t D on the other side, so the statement is false

Wason concluded that in an argument, we mostly tend to use facts and numbers which only support ours and we very seldomly try to find things which weakens our arguments. This explains why when we are needed to evaluate alternatives, we end up bias towards one and we ignore the others. This is christened ‘The Ubiquitous Confirmation Bias’. This can closely associated to our way of thinking where we always consider the strength but never the weakness. Sometimes, most of the times, the best way to evaluate an issue or ourselves is trying to identify the weaknesses and improve it to the better. So, when it comes to making decisions or justifying an argument, try to ‘bang’ yourself first. Do you get what I mean? =)

The fish we eat.

2007-06-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

A typical fisherman village A fishing boat
Papa and mama : My inspiration and strength
Leaving Kuantan for the vast open sea An exhausted fisherman getting a short afternoon nap

Have you ever wonder, during dinner or lunch, how the fish ends up in your plate? Have you ever imagine how much sweat and energy poured into providing you the very fish you eat for lunch or dinner? This is my experience with my family on a fishing trip in the middle of the South China Sea, and to tell you the truth, it is one that could never be forgotten. We start off at 8 am in the morning from the Tanjung Api Jetty and the sight of the fishermen village greeted us in a very solemn way. Its quite saddening to see an old shack which houses a family of average of 7. We chanted that we are on the verge of becoming a developed country, but yet, there are still of our fellow friends which live in this kind of condition.
On the boat, my mom’s friend and another fisherman was expecting us. Then we set course into the middle of the South China Sea, with high hopes of getting a bucket of deep sea fish. The method that we use to catch fish there is using an Appolo fishing rod; a fishing rod which has a 5 to seven hooks on the line and every one of them is attached with shiny, metallic fibers to bait the fishes. We once tried this in Langkawi, so the Appolo is no stranger to us. No doubt, fishing is a test of patience. Imagine; in the middle of the sea, and the sun is burning your skin and you can felt the sweat flowing on your back. It was just nerve-racking, And to make it more miserable, we only got so little fish except for my mother; she’s an iron woman of the sea. But when we sensed something pulling on the line, and you quickly pull it up, and you see a Selar at the end of the line, you feel a surge of excitement all over the body. Yeah, it’s a small accomplishment, but looking at the atmosphere and the condition, you can imagine how a fish at the end of the line could make you so happy? I ask the man, how much fish on average will he catch daily? Sadly, he told me that with this method, they even could not get the white polystyrene container half full. With that much of a catch, they can only get around RM 10 to 15 a day and with that amount of money, they will use it to feed their 7 children.
And one more experience that I must share is praying on the boat. The boat is never stable; the boat will be constantly rocking like a cradle every time the wave slams the boat. So, they will sit during their prayers. It’s a cool thing to pray in a new way =) Hey, is not like we always get the chance praying in the middle of the sea, right?
At 5 pm, we head back to dry land, and everyone was very exhausted. But, our fatigue faded away by the sight of 3 dolphins swimming beside our boat. Their upper part of their bodies appear and reappear on the surface of the water, and we were like a bunch of monkeys on a boat, being so excited watching these very gentle creatures.
We reached the jetty at precisely 6.10 pm and everyone was damn tired. But we learned a lot of valuable lessons. I still remember vividly, the faces of the children there, with their worn out power ranger and pokemen t-shirts, looking at us we a very sweet smile. As you read this, just remember that we are so lucky of being who we are now; being able to surf the internet, wear descent clothes, and having a warm and comfortable home to live on. Don’ t forget to remember our brother’s and sister’s who aren’t fortunate enough to have a life like ours. So, when you are about to have a bite of the delicious deep fried sweet sour fish, just take a minute to thank the very men and women who went through all the hardships, in the middle of the ocean, to get that fish we about to eat..

From Transnational to the heavens

2007-06-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Writing to you from a Transnational bus heading to KL in the middle of the Monday night. Listening to Anna Nallick’s 2 AM, I looked outside the window, admiring the constellations in the heavens. As I look at the very stars that dreamers, philosophers, lovers, poets, and achievers once admire, the thought of my dreams struck my mind. You see, the very dreams that I hold on to are thought to be impossible by typical others. But to me, nothing is impossible on this earth and I believe that everything is achievable if you put your heart, mind and soul into it. On the 16th of June, I will embark on a very hard and difficult journey which I estimate will take me around 8 to 9 years of my life to accomplish. In those period of time, I will submit myself to medicine, and I will put all my life to a relationship which I pledged myself to you.
After what happened for the last few months, I started questioning my attention of becoming a doctor. It crossed my mind that if I had not taken this choice of mine and I resorted to become an engineer or accountant, I might be richer and I could be with the people I love. And there were times when people sarcastically gave me the idea that becoming a doctor is not worth the effort and all the sleepless nights for on-calls when eventually I would get a salary far less than those who sit in the office drinking coffee. But when I talked to my junior of mine, she makes all the different. About the relationship, she made me realize that just put all your effort and keep on loving. People might say that I need to be realistic, but as I said before, in love and relationship, it surpasses the boundaries of time and logic. And I have faith and I believe that one day I’ll be with her. And no matter how hard it is, I will keep on loving her. And on my doubts of becoming a doctor, I realize that there is more than salary when we talk about life in the emergency room. It is actually about changing people’s lives, giving hope to the hopeless, giving some sense of security to people who are in need one. Yeah, I might not be rich, but I know that my choice of profession will bring enjoyment to others. For all the future doctors out there, persevere and what you will be doing will be look high upon Allah and the people around.
And again, I just want to help others, and I’m glad that the one I love has gotten what she wants, and to me, it means the whole world to me. So rather on lamenting on what will happen in the future, I should go on helping others and touching lives. And when I take another look in the heavens, I know that body will turn to dust, but because of selflessness and the heart which is pure, Allah will put us there, among the stars.

Purpose

2007-06-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

I believe that we are sent onto this earth for a purpose. From the very janitors who clean up the mess we make to the very people who governed a nation, we will always serve a purpose to others. After 18 years of living, surviving, and breathing, I have reached to a point that I realized the reason why Allah sent me here; to submit to Him, to learn and to care and help others. After my SPM, I’ve been traveling a lot, seeing what the world is really about and what lies for me in the future. There were times when I encounter people who suffer so much (and I thought my life was miserable) and who are in need of a little care and love. I met elderly people who crave for the love of the young, people who are holding on to little hope when they know there are no hope left, people who do hard labor just to feed and school their 8 children, and fishermen who spent the whole day under the excruciating heat of the sun in the middle of the sea just to come back to their families with RM10 a day. Life is not as it seems and the media has somehow blinded us from the suffering of the very people who are in need of help. When I associated my life’s dream of becoming a doctor, I realize that this is not just a dream. It has become my obligation, my calling to change their lives. It may sound big, very big, but I know this is it; becoming a doctor, a specialist, and to care for this people. I know there’s little I can do for them for now, but I know that my existence will never be complete if their fate is not defended. I pledge, in the confinement of my ability and capabilities, that I will help those people. This is also a calling to all of the people out there, do your part in helping this people. Life is not about making big bucks and having a BMW 5 Series with big mansions. It is about enjoying it and share those enjoyment with these unlucky people and what better way of doing it than carving a smile on their faces.

Between science and faith

2007-06-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am a man of science, a person who wouldn’t take any ideas into consideration without any concrete evidence which I can see, touch, hear, feel, and smell. To me, everything could be explained scientifically, one way or another, either with quantum or with conventional main stream of science. But lately, I come to my senses that there are things on this earth, or may be in the very existence of everything, that does not need an explaination on why it occurred or happened. Yes, there are the spiritual aspect which need to be balance between logical thinking and the divine faith and submission; religion. But I would like to talk about the very human emotions which define us as a civilized beings, particularly love. If we look at emotions such as joy, sadness, confusion, depression, and the list goes down, science can explain all of these phenomenon in the boundaries of chemistry and medicine. All of these can be laid down in the blue print of the complex labyrinth of neurons in the brain and they are closely associated with the chemicals in the neurotransmitters which prominently effect one’s personality. But when it comes to love, science is tested to the edge. You see, our humanly instinct is constantly on the search of ‘the’ ideal sexual mate to produce quality offspring which could ensure the continuing existence of mankind. But when love is put into the picture, it alters the whole scientifically explaination on why humans have special bonds of the opposite sex and stay loyal to each other. Love could never be associated with the surge of serotonin in the brain, nor the hyper cerebral activities. Yes, no doubt, there will be times when cheating occurs, but this occurrence should never be a reason to go against love due to this very justification : are you sure the affection that those couples who cheated are truly love? It may be not. But I believe that when this feeling called love is felt and embraced, it can go beyond logic. There are even recorded proof that Alzheimer patients had somehow gained their memory back temporarily when they are closed to their loved ones, and how can science and medicine explain that? That is the beauty of the human affection and passion towards the other; that is the beauty of love. Again, I am a man of science and one day I will commit myself to a life long medical learning, but yet I will dedicate myself to this one kind of emotion. I will keep on learning and try to find any possible explaination for everything, but for love, I will not go experimenting it, or associating it with raging hormones or those things, but I will embrace it and celebrate it. And that's faith.

Chasing dreams

2007-05-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

To some, life starts at 30. To some, they understand life when they have a family to raise. To me, it's not too much to say that my life starts in March 2007. Yeah, no doubt about it. I will not go recapping the things which happen from 1/1/2007 till now but what I'm starting to realize is that life will not always go the way we want it to be. I was raised to be a systematic planning machine; constantly calculating the risk of everydays life and executing the best decisions which could benefit me and every living, breathing thing which exist around me. I believe that nothing is impossible if we really work our ass off into it. But yet, what my sweetheart was trying to convince me back in school is happening in front of my eyes as we speak.

I have dreams and i dream big; it's not your typical Miss-World-maikng-the-world-a-beter-place dreams. My dreams are based on a realistic foundation which i belive, without even a shadow of a doubt, it will happen. After so much which happen, I've decided on 3 concrete dreams which has become my constitution of my complex thinking mechanism;

1.To become a specialist in medicine
2.To have a family with the one I love so much
3.To act selflessly towards all living beings

Those are the 3 dreams which is embedded deeply in me, to an extend, has become my principals of life, and no one can ever change this. But for the other dreams and hopes that i have for myself, it may or may not happen,and i really hate this. I wanted certainty, but the future is the one thing that could not give me that. I recall one deep statement ' The expected put humans on the feet, but the unexpected changes life' and trully there's no weak points in it. The certain puts us in the comfort zone, but uncertain strips us bare naked. But that's life; easy leads to less, difficult spells more, shortcuts are fools' success and suffering is the pathway to greatness. It takes me 17 years to deduct this, and it takes me life-shattering, emotional-packed steps. I discussed all of my plans and dreams with my parents and their response are simply eye opening. They said that life as a Muslim is bounded to the Qada' and Qadar. As i am very liberal on this matter, i tend to think that life's outcomes is solely in our hands, and we have all the power and might to have it all. But my sweetheart and parents told me that yes its true, but there will be times when it will not go our way as Allah has something bigger and better for us. At first, this fact was really hard to absorb and digest, but thinking back, life works that way. But still, these very important people made me realize that though there are these uncertainties in life, we still will get what we want, through faith, preseverence and hard work. Man eventually played golf on the moon when the whole world thought that we will never even get near it. Man are living in the skies when people once thought that we will never touches the heavens. That's the beauty of dreams; they help man to achieve things which we never thought of before. With all of these assembling in my head, it shows me a clearer potrait now; whatever it is, whatever your dreams are, have faith, believe and work for it, and no matter how hard or impossible it is, your dreams and hopes will come true. Have faith.

Ijok and Malaysia football

2007-05-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Ijok by-election is just in the corner, and it is making headlines all over the tabloids and newspapers. Let’s just say that the one of the top 5 topics on the debate at your typical mamak stall nationwide has something to do with it. But, I am no politic observer giving out analysis and answers on rhetorical questions. It’s just that the bottles flying over the heads of supporters of the two political parties somehow projected the level of maturity of the people of Malaysia really is. I may not go into details what happen on that very day as I wasn’t there, so I believe that is ethically and morally wrong for me to elaborate more on that matter, but it’s just I am very disappointed by the actions of the supporters who acted in a uncivilized manner. But first, I would like to point out that I, myself have flaws and I’m discussing on this issue so in a long run, I hope that I could improve the thinking of Malaysians and at the same time, help myself in becoming a better person.And what caught my attention in the newspaper is the headline of Hatem Soussi, the Negeri Sembilan coach who has been allegedly accused of assaulting a fellow Negeri Sembilan supporter. And for this matter, I could elaborate more as I have been given and insight of what Malaysian football is all about; my Pak The is the manager of the team and there were a couple occasions where I had some chat with Hatem. Clearly, Hatem did not assault the fan as been proven by the footage by TV3. To me, what causes the commotion was the provocation done by the supporters towards Hatem. They insulted Hatem’s family and players, and the question is, how would you stand those kind of pressures coming in so many directions? To me, Hatem was not to be blamed and he DID NOT assault the fan. Yeah at one way, he did go over the fence, but he wasn’t attend in any way to assault him. Is just he was trying to get that so called ‘fan’ to the police.But anyways, this two event connects with each other and in a way it projected how Malaysians are. They are giving out signals to the whole world that we are not developed as we think we are. Come one, after watching Malaysian foot ball matches for a couple of weeks, you should have seen this so called ‘fans’ in action. They treated the players like crap, insulted the players in front of their parents, and the called themselves the ‘hardcore fans’. Yeah right!But this 2 events really show what Malaysians are really made of; a heartless, aggressive, hot tempered people with little respect to others. So, it’s up to you, the readers to ponder on this and make the right turns and actions. Come on, show some dignity and show the people out there who Malaysians are. Malaysia boleh, right?

Re-incarnation and rejuvenation

2007-05-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

After a long time not since I put my last entry into my blog, so I guess this entry, to me is a new improve version of me. After a couple of weeks putting myself into solitary, my views and paradigms have been altered in a very significant change. You see, in this past few weeks, I have endured in so many intense psychological experience and I must say that this event s have change me into a person who I believed, a person of honor, virtues, meticulous, and have a very good sense of realistic and logic. Let’s just say, in simpler terms that I have been transformed into a new-improved Fathul Aizat version 3.0.You see, after a few life-altering experience, I have meet a lot of new people and seen many situations which could never be experienced neither in schools nor in a normal typical day. So, to me, I devised a very simple formula which I believe that could contribute a lot in the changing of paradigms:Readings + Inter-intra personal + First hand experience= Maturity and greatness of thinking and mentality.So, in a way, the style of my entry after this would seem like a typical newspaper and tabloid column with a 360 degrees turn and twist with more maturity wroting being instill in it.So, I hope that the series of entries posted in this blog will somehow give an insight of morality and hopefully, that this will somehow shed some light on the reformation of Malaysian mentality. Viva Malaysia.

A thin white thread

2007-05-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

Firstly i would like to thank the people who willingly spend their time reading my blog, especially those who also gave comments on them. I really appreciate them.This past few days' i heard people dying everywhere,; in the news, in the news papers, and from my friends. Men once said that death is a phase that living thngs need to face, it is a part of life. And this concept still circulating in our beliefs. Yes, those statements could not be denied, by science nor theory. But it sounds ironic rite, 'death is a part of life'. Those two terms; 'life' and 'death' are antonyms to each other, but somehow, 'death is a part of life'. There's one quote; 'To understand life, we need to undertsnd death first'. It holds a deep meaning. Yeah it's true. If we look at our society, we do not appreciate our life the way it supposed to be and there are times we wish that that Big Guy up there put a full stop to it. This might due to big brob or etc. But for me. to really understand what life is, we need to put ourselves in the shoes of people who have so little time to live. In these times, when your life is hangin in the balance, u will realize how precious time is, how valueble life is, how we wish we could turn back time to make things righr again. There is one hadith which stated that the only time men appreciate what Allah gave them is when Allah takes them away. We take simple miracles of life for granted, and one of them is life. Recalling back Elton John's Circle of life, to me, life is defined beautifully by symbolising it to the beauty of mother earth.So, i hope these few simple words could help you to see life in a hole new perspactive. Appreciate life, celebrate it.

Who am I?

2007-05-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hey again. Hmm, i feel like writing about something that i felt today. U see, i have this abnormalities, maybe it's in the genes i guess; im short. Ok, im not those native pygme people in the amazon, i'm 161 cm. N i just have this enviness towards suys who are even taller than me. Whn i watched mtv, i saw justin timberlake with his awesome dance moves in his video clip. Then suddenly, i felt that i wanted to be this guy on tv. Later on, i wathced Ed on starworld n da same routine happenes, i wanted to be like him too. And the list goes on. It seems that i wanted to be so many peoplein the tv, trying to have something that may in fact doesnt exist in the real world. Same went wit my bros. I don't know, maybe its my raging hormones are putting myself in a position where i have this mild identity crisis. In my readings, i found that most adolescents are facing this problem. Maybe it is a phace that we so-called-humans are destined to experienced. But there are several occasions where it went overboard and things aren't the wat it supposed to be. Hey, i once did research on how to get those couple inches and i even wanted this drug 'arginine' to make myself competent in the height market. What is up with that? Everywhere, teens are getting thinner than the lidi of the satay, trying to pursue this so called perfect body potrayed in the teles. I know its hard but sometimes we need to love ourselfs. Be grateful in what we have. Look deep inside ourselves, and we will find a beauty undescridably beautiful, more beautiful than.. errmm...beautiful! Appreciate ourselves, and we walk on this earth with confidence. (SOunds like an add aite? hihi)

Good or bad? A stigma

2007-05-30T07:56:00.000-07:00

Hi. Actually, sorry if u might thnk my blog space is more like an Oprah talk show rather than.. a... well... a blog i guess. Hihi. But it's just that i want to bring u all into my world n how i perceive the world. Its quite interesting to know how other people think n respond to their environment. Actually, last night, i watched this movie, "Ladder 33" or is it 'ladder 49'? I dnt remmber but its a really mind openg movie. In the movie, the firemen are portrayed as noble people who ran inside burning structures n rescue people. But have u ever wonder, why these people, who risk their lives in daily basis, are selbdomly appreciated by people? I came to this conclusion as firemen nowadays, in my opinion, aren't getting what they supposed to get considering the nature of ther job which revolves around danger. This also implies to policemen, lifeguards n so on. Its quite an irony as these noble n brave people receive a monthly wage of only rm900 to rm2000, while those corporat people who laze aroun n just sit down n drink coffee are enjoying themselves with overflowing wealth. That is the stigma, that we, the society nowadays are facing. We look upon those so-called 'mat rempits', mawi, gossips while we let those people who has made so much difference in this worl just fade away. It's kind of weird, aite. Hey, i even sumtimes idolized artists, but after watching the movie, i realized there are more important people that we should look upon. If u ver asked a 17 year old teen, do u wnt to b policeman, fireman, or a soldier, i bet the answer is no. But if usked me, do i want to be all that, i will answer that question with a no too, but i would like to be doc, as i could help n it is the closest for me to be just like them. But if u asked a 5 year old boy, ull b surprised with the answer. Trust me on this..;-)

The end of the world? Think again

2007-05-30T07:54:00.001-07:00

there are moments in life when we felt that God hate us n the world is crumbling down on you. Yeah, i had those times do. Actually, when u sit back and ponder, we felt this way because we choose to do so. Sounds weird aite? Yeah but its true. Actually, in life, you feel that u are a total failure coz u make urself belive that u did not achieve your goals and dreams, and in reality, those goals and dreams are set by ourselves. From my personal experience, i was once a perfectionist; i wanted perfection. At first, it helped me a lot, but when i reached the peak of my achievements, it made me push mysely to the edge. urging me to work harder n harder eventhough ive reached my limit. So in the end i succumbed to things which would destroy your very life. Then, my father thought me sumthng very valuable,; the sense of gratefulness. He told me that if u think that u suffer, stop for a while and try to imagine those people who aren't fortunate enough to have a decent meal, who are not able to get a proper education, who lost their loved ones, who are terminally ill and waiting for his or her death. It hit me straight in the heart. Who am i to say that i suffer when there are a lot, i mean A LOT of people who suffered worst than me. N my dad told me... if u feel u didn't get what u wntd the most in present time, think back what do u want to achive in life. Is it the no of a's, a degree, an ipod? Or is it a family filled with luv and care, happiness, and our final destination? But don't get me wrong. Achieving materialism is important, but never neglect those simple things in life which could make life much.. i mean much more meaningful to you. So, if u say that ur life is miserable n its the end of ur life, ask urself back..is it?

The end of the world? Think again

2007-05-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

Friends

2007-05-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

Almost 11 years in the exam-oriented education introduced by da government, and at last, freedom. Though i should celebrating my independence, i felt otherwise. Don't know, but i believe it's simply... friends. Friends... they just humans, but what make them apart from other Homo Sapiens is the tie, the feeling, the bond which emerge between them with us. Sometimes i questioned myself, why do tears appear when i am about to depart with my friends but this does not happn when i am leaving someone i don't know? Simply, friends are people which you have that so-called 'connection'. Now, after leaving school, i understand what people meant when they said 'a shoulder to cry on'. Its actually hard to explain with words, its something that you need to experience first hand. After 5 years living in a boarding school, i come to an understanding that friends are people who you can share problems with, people who you could joke around with n not get hated or hit back, people you could cry and laugh with. As i look back at those 5 incredible years, indeed i love my friends, either those who are 24/7 with me or those who i just knew them by name. Yes, there are times when i got in big fights, but with friends, you somehow get over it. n sometimes i feel confused, why i felt that urge to help and care other people? Why people take care of me? There are no explaination to these questions. That's how magical friends are. Now i understand the connections between people. Now i understand why i care about people who do not have any blood relation with me and being cared back by them. Now i understand my second family. Now i understand my friends.

A feeling called love

2007-05-30T07:48:00.001-07:00

Hey. This is my first time in this blog stuff. So, sowy for any mistakes,k ? I would like to share with u guys a very personal topic and it may bring a very special and deep meaning to some people. It's something that people might think that they have it but in reality they didn.t have the jizz of it. Actually, what i meant is the reality of relationships, courtships, and love. It took me a long time to understand a small portion of this very mysterious emotions of humans and till now i still don't fully understand it. Hmm, relationships and love. From my opinion, it is an ever thirst of human to love and be loved. Hey, we are humans. There's one saying that love is what makes the world go around. I agree wit it totally. Love is something that makes you happy when u are with that special person, what makes you remorseful when u are apart, and sometimes makes you do stupid but memorable things. Believe me, i've done stupid things a lot, but when i think back, it's a little romantic i guess. But becareful as love might be blind and it might be not the one though you feel it is. The feelings and emotions which are associated with love might be started from the looks, maybe from the personality, or many more. But personally, for me, it's that feeling inside indicates that the person is the one; a feeling that i could not put it into words and to describe it. It's a very strange feeling actually. If u like the person by his or her looks, u might end up in a very bad relationship. I'm not saying that u need to exclude the physical factors; the looks is still important, but u also need to have the 'connection of the hearts' to get the full meaning of courtships and relatonships. Oklah, i guess that's all. Maybe, i'll write some more in the future.